Your Mommy's Worst Day

Hi my love,
It's been a long time my little munchkin...It seems that as summer gets started, things get busier and your mommy gets so exhausted that it makes it hard to write! Also, because of what I'm about to write, I was just so stressed and traumatized that I couldn't seem to sit down and put it all out there. So...here I am FINALLY...back with lots of stuff to write in the coming weeks, and ready to breathe again...

Well, it's been almost a month since that day...your mommy's worst day ever...You had started a fever the previous evening and on THAT day it was still lingering. I had given you Tylenol and it seemed to help a bit but wasn't knocking it out completely. You, however, were acting completely normal. I tend to watch the attitude more than the fever as kids can get fevers for silly things all the time. By mid afternoon I called the doctor and said I wanted to bring you in, just to check on things...we made an appointment for 5:30 so that your dad could go with us. After your nap you felt a little warmer...took your temp and it was 101..nothing CRAZY, but still... I gave you a cool bath and we sat around cuddling and watching Tigger and Pooh. :) Right before 4pm you wanted to go outside and roll your cars down the driveway. We had been inside all day as it was a bit too warm outside to play with a fever, but by now it had cooled down and the driveway was shaded. I checked your temp, it was 100, so I thought that as long as you just sat there we would be fine. So...out we went and we both sat on the driveway together and started rolling away!

We were watching baby Ian that day and his mom had just gotten there to pick him up. We chatted for a few minutes in the driveway and then I got up to get Ian's diaper bag for her, and get Ian out of the stroller sitting on the porch. All of that took about 20 seconds, and when I glanced back to look at you I saw you lying on your back and shaking. At first I didn't realize what I was seeing...I thought that you were messing around or something, but after 3 seconds I realized what was happening. You were having a full blown seizure right on our driveway!! I had JUST left your side, and now your little body was bouncing off the pavement in a way that I just can't explain...don't really want to actually.... I'm trying not to conjure up too many memories of that moment as I write this. It was just so awful... I had to go pick you up as your little head was bouncing on the driveway, and then I just held you on your side as the seizure was happening. I had absolutely NO knowledge about seizures and had no clue what to expect. THe only thing I knew was to turn you on your side so you wouldn't choke in any way. It was as if you were being struck by lightning over and over again....there were strange electrical pulses ripping through your body.

After about a minute of your seizure you started turning blue...really blue...you weren't breathing...I had seen such things in movies or pictures but never in person....I never knew a face could get so blue. Inside I felt a panic like I have never known. You were my baby...my life....my motivation...my world...my love...and you weren't breathing!!! Ian's mom was FREAKING OUT telling me, "He's not breathing! He's not breathing!" It made me panic even more even though I was shockingly calm through the whole thing.... You still weren't breathing and I was thinking in the matter of 30 seconds, "Is this it?" "Is this the way it's going to end?" "Right here?" "Right now?" "You were fine just 2 minutes ago, and now you are going to die on me?" Your whole life passed before my eyes and I almost thought I was going to throw up. I even imagined my life AFTER you...how I would be...how I wouldn't care about anything.

FINALLY, after what seemed like an eternity, your seizure ended and you started breathing again. It was the weirdest raspy sound, but I almost DIED with relief. However, after enduring all that had previously happened, a new terror had taken hold. The second your seizure ended you went limp in my arms.....completely limp...although you were breathing you were not responding at all. I was yelling at you, trying to sit you up, opening your eyes, (that were rolled back in your head) and slapping your back....NOTHING...absolutely NOTHING. Since I knew nothing about seizures, all I could figure at that point was : You had a seizure, you weren't breathing for 30 plus seconds...now you are brain dead. I was thinking, "You aren't there anymore are you?" "You are breathing, but you you aren't really in there...it's not you." That was almost scarier to me than anything. This lasted about 5 minutes before the ambulance got there and Lori and I were just numb with fear.

The ambulance got to the house and the guys jumped out and grabbed you from me and we hopped inside. At that point you were still non-responsive and I was crying and asking them if you were going to be ok....was this normal? They were yelling at you and shaking you and you just WOKE UP as if you snapped out of a trance. You started WAILING...screaming "MOMMY!" "MOMMY!" "MOMMY!" It was the sweetest, most wonderful sound I had ever heard in my life. My tears just flowed and flowed and flowed at that time I was so happy.... They tried putting an IV in you and kept screwing it up and you were just SCREAMING..."OW, ow, ooooow!" I wanted to kill them. I couldn't hold you as we were rushing to the hospital and I had to sit on the side with a darn seatbelt on..(I wasn't too happy about that) but I could hold your finger and I asked you questions about your favorite movies, sang you songs from them, and made you tell me the names of all of your favorite Disney movie characters. You were sobbing the whole time but still talking through those sobs...how ridiculously precious you are...

When we got to the hospital your temperature was 105. Scary, scary stuff. What you had was called a Febrile Seizure...brought on by a fever...and the scary part is that you can have a low-grade fever and it can just spike super high in a matter of minutes. Some kids are more prone to them, and usually if they have one once, they will have them again until they are 5 or 6 and then they just stop. As if I could live through THAT AGAIN??? I'm still freaking about that...I can't even go there...
Anyway, they got your fever down and you just ended up passing out laying on me..(I climbed onto the hospital bed and had you lay on top of my so that I could hold you) You were so precious during all the poking and prodding...you were sobbing with pain but would still say "bye bye" during a sob as a nurse would leave. They would almost cry they thought it was so sweet, and at those moments I swear I have never loved you more.

Your daddy made it to the house just as the ambulance was leaving and he followed behind in his car. When we were in the hospital he kept trying to ask me questions about what happened and I couldn't even look him in the eye...I couldn't even talk. He kept trying to talk to me and I couldn't seem to find any words. I knew later that I was in shock. I couldn't process it all... After a few hours in the hospital you woke up and acted completely normal. Perfectly fine. I was thrilled...but for some reason I couldn't smile...couldn't act happy... We got home, put you to sleep after holding you for a LONG TIME....and then I just FELL APART. I don't think I have EVER cried that hard. I kept telling your daddy, "I thought he was going to die...I thought he was going to DIE!" I was soooo glad that I was right there with you when it happened, but at the same time I wish I didn't have to witness all that. I couldn't stop reliving it over and over again for weeks to follow, and I felt like I was walking under a cloud of fear and trauma. I definitely squeezed you a bit tighter.....

I cannot tell you how happy that I am that you are ok and unfazed by the whole thing. To even think that I could have been close to losing you makes me still feel nauseous. You are my entire life Caden. My whole heart. Everything that I do is for you, everything that I am is wrapped up in the love that I have for you. I can't even begin to tell you how my world would be nothing without you in it. Please don't get any more fevers munchkin.....and please always know how much your mommy loves you with every ounce of her being. Be healthy......

Love, your traumatized, but better now, Mommy