Your Mommy's Worst Day

Hi my love,
It's been a long time my little munchkin...It seems that as summer gets started, things get busier and your mommy gets so exhausted that it makes it hard to write! Also, because of what I'm about to write, I was just so stressed and traumatized that I couldn't seem to sit down and put it all out there. So...here I am FINALLY...back with lots of stuff to write in the coming weeks, and ready to breathe again...

Well, it's been almost a month since that day...your mommy's worst day ever...You had started a fever the previous evening and on THAT day it was still lingering. I had given you Tylenol and it seemed to help a bit but wasn't knocking it out completely. You, however, were acting completely normal. I tend to watch the attitude more than the fever as kids can get fevers for silly things all the time. By mid afternoon I called the doctor and said I wanted to bring you in, just to check on things...we made an appointment for 5:30 so that your dad could go with us. After your nap you felt a little warmer...took your temp and it was 101..nothing CRAZY, but still... I gave you a cool bath and we sat around cuddling and watching Tigger and Pooh. :) Right before 4pm you wanted to go outside and roll your cars down the driveway. We had been inside all day as it was a bit too warm outside to play with a fever, but by now it had cooled down and the driveway was shaded. I checked your temp, it was 100, so I thought that as long as you just sat there we would be fine. So...out we went and we both sat on the driveway together and started rolling away!

We were watching baby Ian that day and his mom had just gotten there to pick him up. We chatted for a few minutes in the driveway and then I got up to get Ian's diaper bag for her, and get Ian out of the stroller sitting on the porch. All of that took about 20 seconds, and when I glanced back to look at you I saw you lying on your back and shaking. At first I didn't realize what I was seeing...I thought that you were messing around or something, but after 3 seconds I realized what was happening. You were having a full blown seizure right on our driveway!! I had JUST left your side, and now your little body was bouncing off the pavement in a way that I just can't explain...don't really want to actually.... I'm trying not to conjure up too many memories of that moment as I write this. It was just so awful... I had to go pick you up as your little head was bouncing on the driveway, and then I just held you on your side as the seizure was happening. I had absolutely NO knowledge about seizures and had no clue what to expect. THe only thing I knew was to turn you on your side so you wouldn't choke in any way. It was as if you were being struck by lightning over and over again....there were strange electrical pulses ripping through your body.

After about a minute of your seizure you started turning blue...really blue...you weren't breathing...I had seen such things in movies or pictures but never in person....I never knew a face could get so blue. Inside I felt a panic like I have never known. You were my baby...my life....my motivation...my world...my love...and you weren't breathing!!! Ian's mom was FREAKING OUT telling me, "He's not breathing! He's not breathing!" It made me panic even more even though I was shockingly calm through the whole thing.... You still weren't breathing and I was thinking in the matter of 30 seconds, "Is this it?" "Is this the way it's going to end?" "Right here?" "Right now?" "You were fine just 2 minutes ago, and now you are going to die on me?" Your whole life passed before my eyes and I almost thought I was going to throw up. I even imagined my life AFTER you...how I would be...how I wouldn't care about anything.

FINALLY, after what seemed like an eternity, your seizure ended and you started breathing again. It was the weirdest raspy sound, but I almost DIED with relief. However, after enduring all that had previously happened, a new terror had taken hold. The second your seizure ended you went limp in my arms.....completely limp...although you were breathing you were not responding at all. I was yelling at you, trying to sit you up, opening your eyes, (that were rolled back in your head) and slapping your back....NOTHING...absolutely NOTHING. Since I knew nothing about seizures, all I could figure at that point was : You had a seizure, you weren't breathing for 30 plus seconds...now you are brain dead. I was thinking, "You aren't there anymore are you?" "You are breathing, but you you aren't really in there...it's not you." That was almost scarier to me than anything. This lasted about 5 minutes before the ambulance got there and Lori and I were just numb with fear.

The ambulance got to the house and the guys jumped out and grabbed you from me and we hopped inside. At that point you were still non-responsive and I was crying and asking them if you were going to be ok....was this normal? They were yelling at you and shaking you and you just WOKE UP as if you snapped out of a trance. You started WAILING...screaming "MOMMY!" "MOMMY!" "MOMMY!" It was the sweetest, most wonderful sound I had ever heard in my life. My tears just flowed and flowed and flowed at that time I was so happy.... They tried putting an IV in you and kept screwing it up and you were just SCREAMING..."OW, ow, ooooow!" I wanted to kill them. I couldn't hold you as we were rushing to the hospital and I had to sit on the side with a darn seatbelt on..(I wasn't too happy about that) but I could hold your finger and I asked you questions about your favorite movies, sang you songs from them, and made you tell me the names of all of your favorite Disney movie characters. You were sobbing the whole time but still talking through those sobs...how ridiculously precious you are...

When we got to the hospital your temperature was 105. Scary, scary stuff. What you had was called a Febrile Seizure...brought on by a fever...and the scary part is that you can have a low-grade fever and it can just spike super high in a matter of minutes. Some kids are more prone to them, and usually if they have one once, they will have them again until they are 5 or 6 and then they just stop. As if I could live through THAT AGAIN??? I'm still freaking about that...I can't even go there...
Anyway, they got your fever down and you just ended up passing out laying on me..(I climbed onto the hospital bed and had you lay on top of my so that I could hold you) You were so precious during all the poking and prodding...you were sobbing with pain but would still say "bye bye" during a sob as a nurse would leave. They would almost cry they thought it was so sweet, and at those moments I swear I have never loved you more.

Your daddy made it to the house just as the ambulance was leaving and he followed behind in his car. When we were in the hospital he kept trying to ask me questions about what happened and I couldn't even look him in the eye...I couldn't even talk. He kept trying to talk to me and I couldn't seem to find any words. I knew later that I was in shock. I couldn't process it all... After a few hours in the hospital you woke up and acted completely normal. Perfectly fine. I was thrilled...but for some reason I couldn't smile...couldn't act happy... We got home, put you to sleep after holding you for a LONG TIME....and then I just FELL APART. I don't think I have EVER cried that hard. I kept telling your daddy, "I thought he was going to die...I thought he was going to DIE!" I was soooo glad that I was right there with you when it happened, but at the same time I wish I didn't have to witness all that. I couldn't stop reliving it over and over again for weeks to follow, and I felt like I was walking under a cloud of fear and trauma. I definitely squeezed you a bit tighter.....

I cannot tell you how happy that I am that you are ok and unfazed by the whole thing. To even think that I could have been close to losing you makes me still feel nauseous. You are my entire life Caden. My whole heart. Everything that I do is for you, everything that I am is wrapped up in the love that I have for you. I can't even begin to tell you how my world would be nothing without you in it. Please don't get any more fevers munchkin.....and please always know how much your mommy loves you with every ounce of her being. Be healthy......

Love, your traumatized, but better now, Mommy

TWO And More Fun Than EVER!

Hi my love,

I have thought over and over since you have been born that there is NO way that I could love you more than at THAT moment in time. No way.... And every month that passes, I manage to find even more places in my heart to fill with my adoration of you. Well....you have officially been a TWO YEAR OLD for just over a month now, and for sure I can say that this is the MOST fun that I have had with you. I'm just not sure how many more cavities this heart of mine holds, cause it feels like it is going to burst every day my son! I FREAKING LOVE YOU!!!!! You are a BLAST!!!! You make every day a JOY! Thank you, thank you, thank you for that....

Your vocabulary JUST since you've turned two has doubled and tripled....it is soo soo exciting for you to be actually communicating with us! And you are just too precious...You want to point out EVERYTHING you see and do and tell us the name for it. Cute.... And that memory of yours? You don't forget a THING! You fell off of the front porch the other day and scraped up your knee pretty badly, and ever since then you have explained to us what happened each time we go outside to play. "Mommy, mommy, fall..knee....knee...owie...ouch...mommy...knee...ouch!" Soo cute...OVER AND OVER AGAIN...! :)

You won't say the name for animals...only the sound they make. I will say, "What animal is this Caden?" Your replies are....mooo moooo, or bock bock bock,(chicken) or woof woof! I can't for the life of me get you to say DOG, or COW or any animal for the matter. :) It's cute though....I can wait... :)

One big milestone since you turned two is that we are no longer bound by the pacifier!!! Woohoo!!! I can't tell you how happy this has made us!!! I know you loved that darn thing so much, but it was SUCH a pain for us! I thought we were NEVER going to get rid of it!!! It was the smoothest transition EVER though...I never would have believed it, and now you are free buddy! I'm so proud of you!! Seriously...I really am proud...you took it so well, and so sweetly. I'm sure others haven't acted the same. :) Again...thank you for being the best child EVER! :)

Some of your favorite things to do right now are to sit outside in the driveway pushing cars down the driveway into the street...over and over and over again...literally HOURS.. :) and to play with your little neighbor friend Elliot pushing your little lawnmowers together, playing with the cars, or sliding and swimming in your little pool. You are in HEAVEN just being outside playing, and you always want Elliot to be there too. He is exactly one year older than you, but you are both the same size and you just have the cutest little bond between the two of you. Not many words are spoken, but you communicate quite well. It's so sweet that you have your first best friend. I hope you learn the importance of great friends one day.....I will make sure of it!






You are SUCH a great eater, and soooo good with utensils now! Boy...you've got it down now! No more help needed with anything anymore! Nice, but sad at the same time....I do miss feeding you. You are growing too fast!

You've started belly laughing anytime WE laugh at anything. It's probably one of the cutest things EVER. You just throw your head back and let it loose....If only we could all just laugh for no reason at all like that....Don't ever lose that laugh my love....It's music to your mommy's ears.


You LOVE, LOVE books and want to read them all the time. THANK GOD for that!! :) We have fun reading our own books side by side (as you often instruct me to do) and me just reading to you. For some reason you will NOT let your daddy read you books. He wants to sooo much, but you won't hear of it. JUST MOMMY. Secretly I'm glad...hehehe...I just enjoy it so much. Please, please, please never lose that love of reading! It is such a wonderful thing to enjoy for your entire life.....

Right now you have three items that you HAVE to have when you go to bed....a little plastic Pooh (this is the main thing that has replaced the paci as it is in your mouth alot), a little Lightning McQueen car, and a tiny plush Piglet. Most of the night they don't seem to even leave your hands....again....adorable.




Every day you thrill me, and everyday I just want to eat you up you are so cute!!! I might drive you crazy with how many times I make you give me kisses and hugs, but they are the highlight of my day and I will never stop! You make my life more fun everyday Caden. I wake up excited for what that day will bring, what new things you will learn, and what new words I will hear you speak. It's just all so exciting. I am looking forward to this year of you being TWO...and in NO WAY will it be the terrible twos......it's been the most wonderful twos.....

I love my little two year old to death!
Love, your Mommy

Bathtub Spanish Quiz