Monday, March 31, 2008

Lots of Not So Fun Tests

So tomorrow is my big day at Vanderbilt Hospital for all my testing and I'm getting a tad bit nervous. I've had health issues here and there in the past, and definitely my fair share of problems since having Caden,but I've seemed to push through it ok. This last episode has been the only time that I've actually been scared. Scared of what my future could potentially hold. Although there is no proven link of MS being genetic, I have all the signs that my father had before he was diagnosed at my age. This will be the second time that I have gotten Optic Neuritis.... My dad got it twice. Also, my MRI showed white spots that they were unsure of....that is what my dad's MRI's show. So...I am just praying that this is a fluke thing, and that I will be the 60% of people who have gotten it to never get diagnosed with this disease and that it is just something that stress induced instead.

I go at 1pm tomorrow....alone AGAIN for these tests...I hate that. Last time I had to do this I was alone and cried the whole 3 hours it was so painful. So...needless to say I am not looking forward to this. I've had WAY too much physical pain these last two weeks between IV treatments, massive headaches and nausea. I want to get this out of the way but I'm dreading being alone too.... yuck yuck. :(

The doctor said that we'll know the results in about 7-10 days and based on those results he will determine if I need another Spinal Tap done or not. Shoot me now if that happens...I can't even talk about THAT pain.

It's going to be a busy, busy month!!! My appointment tomorrow... my mom gets back in a couple days from Hawaii to stay for a few days.... Caden and I leave on my birthday, April 9th, to go to Fort Collins, Colorado for 6 days to see my Dad and my step-mom....Can't wait!!.....I have a closing on the 14th.....Caden's birthday is on the 15th!....a closing on the 16th....Caden's birthday party will be on the 19th!....I am having my second surgery on my bladder on the 21st....yes, yet another wonderful thing I look forward to. :( and then I have a few weeks to recover. FUN FUN!! So tomorrow starts a CRAZY month!!! Lot's of things to look forward to though, so that's good.

So anyway...those of you who read this silly blog of mine, please pray for me tomorrow...I'm having a hard time feeling good about this and I'm just a bit scared. Just need a little peace.... I know that no matter what the results are, that God will take care of me. I know that.... I just worried. Thank you all for your wonderful support. I am one lucky, lucky girl......

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Caden's First "REAL" Haircut

Hi my precious little man...

So yesterday you had your first official haircut!! Don't get me wrong...this is not the first time that mop of yours has been cut. I've attempted to attack is several times with my scissors, but I have to admit I have done quite the "hack job" on a few occasions. It was time for the REAL DEAL. Oh my gosh I couldn't have imagined you being any more precious. You blew me away. I had no idea what to expect really...I knew you wouldn't cry or anything, but I expected you to want to get down off that chair and walk around. You definitely DO NOT want to sit still these days for ONE second! :)

We sat you in a booster seat on the chair, put a cape around your neck and the lady gave you a blue sucker. It was pretty much your first sucker ever. You licked on a Valentine's sucker a tiny bit, but this was your first full force sucker experience. BOY DID YOU LOVE THAT!!! Holy cow you were tearing that thing UP!!! :) And you never even touched the stick!! You seemed completely oblivious of every cut that lady took. You were just so enthralled with chomping that sucker you were a total angel. Truly couldn't have been better. I was just so amazed and thrilled watching you. It was one of my first big bursts of pride in you. I'm always amazed with you everyday, but this was just so sweet.... Most babies cry their brains out their first haircut. Not my munchkin......Give him a sucker and he's in heaven!! I took several pictures of your experience to share...and even a video! You were clapping right before she started cutting your hair like you were so excited! We were laughing so hard....In the video, this is how you were the ENTIRE time of your haircut...What a doll you are.

Speaking of haircuts.....your not the only one who has had one recently. Your mommy has finally taken the plunge she's been threatening for years now and chopped all of her hair off! I still feel like I am wearing a wig at times cause it is so foreign to me. I have never had short hair before!! AND....I went lighter again. Can't help it, I'm a blonde at heart. I really love it's definitely fun and young!

Every morning I give you a bottle when you wake up and then I sit you down in your little chair that you love and you watch about 5 minutes of a series of Nursery Rhymes with little kids singing and playing around. It's a free program on Cable and you absolutely LOVE it. You are so intent on that TV and what those kids are doing. You don't seem to care for anything animated thus interest is quickly distracted. It's the KIDS that you love. Your eyes never leave that screen. I only give you 5 min a day and I sit next to you, hold your hand, and let you wake up slowly. It's a fun little tradition we have every morning. I want to start lots of fun traditions with you over the years. I look forward to making everything fun and exciting for you. Here you are in your little chair....

Sleep well my love...can't wait to hold you tomorrow...

Love, Mommy

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Weighted Down

Sometimes it is just really hard to be excited to start the day. Life can be so stressful.... I have soooo much to be thankful for, don't get me wrong.... I have the most wonderful family, amazing friends and a job that I enjoy immensely, but at times the stress of things can overwhelm me to the point that I feel like I'm drowning. There are a few things that seem to always be there....tugging at my thoughts and causing me some bit of discomfort....always. I wish I knew how to let them go. I wish I could just not worry for one whole day.

Money is always a worry. Always. It's so hard to try to work from home with a little one and actually accomplish as much as I could without a baby in tow. I can't ever seem to get ahead with everything else that needs to be done....and I HAVE to. I have to bring in money to pay for things.....It's always a stress. Thank God for my family that has helped me when I've needed it. They will never know how grateful I truly am. Things are getting better now as business is really picking up, but I'm always worried from month to month how I'm going to make it. Life is soooo darnn expensive. I feel like I'm dishing out money left and right for everything. Raising a child is not cheap...that's for sure!!

Decisions.....I feel like I have tough decisions to make in certain areas of my life and I seem to be in such turmoil and confusion about them. I know I just need to trust God about them more than I do.....about everything...and it will be ok....but for now, I just feel the weight.

Another thing that is always heavy on my heart is that I miss my best friend Ian. I miss him so much.... We haven't spoken for over a year now and I still don't even know why. Something happened and he just hasn't wanted to communicate and it has absulutely torn me apart. I guess that just just happens sometimes in life with friends, but I would have bet my ENTIRE life that it wouldn't have happened to us. No way. We have been friends my whole friends....and now, during the time I need him the most....during the time I want to share my life with him the most, he is gone. There is not a day that goes by that he is not missed, that he is not needed. I just don't know how to fix it....or just to let him go. He has too much of my heart...and it my heart just aches for him every day.

I know everyone battles their stresses and heartaches all the time. I am by all means not the only one. Life can be challenging, stressful and full of pain, but it can also be an amazing adventure and a blessing. I'm trying to focus on that more than feeling weighted down by the other. I need to let God carry the burdens for me and try not to carry it all on my own. That's so hard to do sometimes but I'm learning. I look forward to the day when I feel a little more free....a little more happy...and maybe heal some parts that are broken in my life.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Hello my perfect child....

I miss you right now! (Pouting) You've been asleep for 3 hours now, but you look so stinkin' cute in your crib I just want to crawl right in with you and cuddle up to your sweeetness. (I can't tell you how many times I've actually wanted to do that) You are soooo cute when you are sleeping. It makes my heart actually ache just looking at you. I've missed writing to you so much these past weeks and I feel like I've forgotten so many things already, but I wanted to share a few cute things about you.

I decided a few days back that I was going to teach you a word a day. I mean REALLY teach you a word. That day just happened to be CAR since you just LOVE cars so much. You are such the typical boy.......WHAT is it with boys and CARS??? What's the big fascination all about? they go...they get us around...they make noise. My gosh, you'd think it was a spaceship on wheels or something! So anyway....all day we played with cars and I kept saying CAR, CAR, CAR, CAR....over and over and over until I was sick of myself. I couldn't tell if it was even sinking in as you never really repeated me, just looked at me as if to say,,"ok mom...I got it the first couple hundred times." So yes, I said it alot, but I just wanted you to learn! Well, the next morning I heard you babbling in your room and I went in to get you and the first word out of your mouth to me was "CAR?" "CAR?" in a question.... Oh my gosh!! It was as if you spend all night dreaming of how to say the word and now you just won't stop. The last few days that is all that I have heard.... "CAR?" "CAR?" "CAR?" You will pick up a ball and say "Car?" It's just so cute. I guess my idea worked! I'm trying to think of the next word I'm going to teach you..... :)

In other news....You LOVE the vacuum cleaner. Pretty much obsessed with it. You want to touch it all the time when it is out, and you just seem to be in such awe. It's cute really. The big amazing, super duper vacuum thingie. :)

You are falling down about a thousand times a day now as you are getting bolder and bolder in your explorations. It's sad and funny all at the same time when you fall and I can't help but giggle a little at some of your funny stumbling moments. I never have been one for mercy when people fall down! :) You are just precious little one....

You want to be walking and you are sooooo close. They last couple days you have actually taken a step or two on your own in between couches or ottomans! You are right there munchkin. I wonder if you will be walking by your birthday??? That would be fun huh? You just take your precious time my sweetness.......Mommy is in NOOOO hurry! :)

We went for a walk today....actually TWO walks! It was SUCH a beautiful day today and you just love being outside. Earlier we met up with Elisha and baby Connor.... Connor is now 5 weeks old and so precious! I can't wait until he's big enough for you two to play. You guys will have some big fun together! Anyway....we walked around the block and then we went out again later in the day and happened across the neighborhood park where there were baby swings! I never knew they were there!! had your first swing on a real swing today!!! I was sooo mad that I didn't have my camera with me to document it well, but I did take a picture with my camera phone, so this is to document that "first moment." You face was absolutely PRICELESS. Your mouth was wide open in wonder and excitement for the first several minutes. You LOVED, and I mean LOVED the swing. I can't wait to take you back tomorrow. You were sooooo cute.

Well, mommy is sleepy so I'm off to bed, but know that I love you with my whole heart and I could never ask for more than you. You are all that I ever dreamed of and more. I love you!

Love, Mommy

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

7 Random Things

Ok, so I've been tagged for more random information. What good are all these tidbits of quirkiness? Have I got a file somewhere? :)

Seven More For The Random File

1. I sometimes drink milk straight from the jug. Yes, I do. But, only when there are no witnesses.

2. I am wierd about the minutes that I am allowed to wake up. I can only get up in 5 minute increments. For example: If I set the alarm for 8:20. I can only get out of bed when it is 8:20 or 8:25 or 8:30 or 8:35. If I miss the 8:30 mark, I CANNOT get up at 8:32....I need to wait until my 8:35 opportunity. I know....that is SOOOO wierd, and I don't even have an explanation for myself. What can I say? I'm an idiot! :) This rule has however been challenged many a time since Caden came along. I can't say I'm as much as an avid follower these days but the 5 min tug is always present!! (Maybe it's just my excuse for a few more minutes of shut-eye)

3. Apparantly, I tie my shoes like a total retard. Anyone who has ever witnessed me in the act has commented on how STRANGELY that I tie them! I guess I make it harder than it is.? I just say I make it more interesting... Dad...did you teach me how to tie my shoes or something?? Hehehehe....

4. I love Oreos, but I rarely eat them because I feel like all of that black gunk stays in my teeth for much longer than it should.

5. When I'm nervous or upset I chew my cuticles....not my nails...but the skin. Just lovely right? I HATE this habit of mine.

6. I Really, really, really love egg salad sandwiches. I put cilantro in it, sliced black olives, paprika and sliced avacado on the bread. Mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm!!!

7. I can't use a bath towel more than twice. Nope. No can do Even if I know it's not really dirty I have to get a clean one every other day. Doesn't help with the mounting laundry problem, but thats just the way it is!!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

11 Months!, Easter, Puppies and Randomness!

Hello my little Easter Bunny!!

So my GOSH it's been forever since I've been able to get on this computer and write to you. I'ts been KILLING me!! Your mommy has just been really sick... I've had so much to write and I'm afraid that I've forgotten half of it which leaves me panicked cause I don't want to miss a single moment of your precious life. Well, I'm going to try my best. Well, March 15th you turned 11 months!!! ELEVEN MONTHS!! and now you're 1 week beyond that....oh my gosh I don't want you to be one!! Slow down boy!! Aaargh!! :) We went to your little friend Alex's birthday party and it was cute to see all you little ones playing and having you line up on the couch together. Soooo cute.

So Happy Easter baby!! It's your First Easter!! We were going to go to church this morning with Shawna and the boys, but because your mommy got really sick again, I ruined those plans. I'm so sorry! I want you to understand the importance of this day when you are a little older. I tried to explain it to you today... :) I did get some cute little Easter pictures of you though.....Your Gramma and Grampa sent you the cutest little Easter Basket with some fun eggs in it, and you have loved playing with them! Made for some cute pictures!!

So the puppies are now 5 weeks old today. They are soooo stinkin cute. I've sold three so far and people are calling every day, so I know they will all be gone by next weekend when everyone is coming to pick them up. I'm excited and sad at the same time! I tried to take some pictures with you and one of the pups and you were just not wanting ANYTHING to do with that puppy near you. I was so suprised....I thought for sure you would love it! You were not like that AT ALL. I still kinda tried to force a picture. Here is what I was able to do.... But first, a picture of all of them.

A few other cute pics....

The way you sleep is getting cuter and cuter these are almost always on your stomach with your little booty sticking straight in the air. I got a picture of you recently and had to share. It's too cute for everyone not to see!! Every time I see you like this I just want to wake you up and hug you up real tight!! You are just simply adorable. I just don't know how to express it fully how much I adore you. Here is an example....

I know I've spoken many times of how you are getting into everything these days.... Well, I caught you on video going in to my bathroom when you didn't know I was looking.....this is what I witnessed...hehehe....

Check out this cute T-shirt I got you.....I just love it....

Well, your mommy's been really, really sick and just hasn't been her normal self. I'm so sorry munchkin. I've tried so hard to not change a thing so that you are oblivious to all this craziness around here lately, but I have had to be gone from you for doctor's appointments and ER visits. I hope you still know every second how much I miss you when I'm gone and how much I need you. I've had to have a nurse come to the house to give me IV Steriod treatments, and when I've been hooked up to the IV is when you seem to want me to hold you the most....I hate that!!! Hopefully this all will be over soon. I'ts so, so hard to be really sick when you have a little one. I want to be the best for you always....... This is why I haven't been able to write to you....I'm so sorry....I've wanted to... It will get better soon!!

I love you baby....

Love, Mommy

Saturday, March 8, 2008

I Need Some Wine after all this Whine....

Hey Buddy,

It’s 11 o’clock and I’m ready for bed, but I thought I’d write a quick note to you before jumping in that direction. I hope I don't bore you with all my repetitious comments, but I can’t seem to stop telling you how crazy in love with you that I am. It is intense and overwhelming how vast my love is for you.

You are kind of in a snuggly phase, which I love beyond words. Sometimes you are definitely a little needy, but since you seem to be teething, and possibly in pain, I am not overly worried about indulging your desire for affection. You just seem to want to be held right now, reaching out for me with your hands, looking towards me when you are with another person, following me around when I’m doing something else. You are getting into giving little hugs, which are surprising and delightful.

You seem to know that I am a person that you have fun with, someone with whom you can make laugh. We have alot of fun together throughout the day learning new things and creating new experiences. I am trying to remember that you are not mine to mold. I consider you on loan from God, and that in passing you on to me, God knew my strengths and limitations. You were chosen for me because we are meant to be a lovely complement to one another, and can help each other grow in unique ways.

So anyway, I just wanted to establish how much I love you cause I'm about to complain just a teensy, weensy, little bit. These last few days have been some of my hardest since I've been your mommy. Especially Friday. I think I almost suffered a breakdown. And this is why..... WHINING......Lots and lots of Whining.
Whining for me to pick you up EVERY second, and when I put you down....Whining. Whining when I pick you up again.
Whining when I change your diaper.
Whining when I change your clothes.
Whining cause you're hungry.
Whining when I'm actually feeding you like you wanted.
Whining cause you want to touch things you're not supposed to.
Whining cause I'm not paying attention to you for 2.5 seconds.
Whining cause the dog won't let you grab her face in a vice grip for the 100th time. Whining cause mommy actually has to go the the bathroom once in a blue moon and doesn't particularly want you holding on to her legs this time.
Whining cause you want in your walker.
Whining cause 2 minutes after I put you in it, you want out.
Whining cause I have to put you in your carseat.
Whining cause Mommy doesn't have long enough arms and legs to drive while sitting in the backseat playing with you.
Whining cause you're tired.
Whining when I put you to bed.
WHINE WHINE WHINE!!!!! Good LORD CHILD!!! :) I'm not sure exactly WHAT is causing this latest whining streak.....I do know that you have 4 teeth about to break through on top and I'm a PRAYING that this is what is causing you to be a little "Whine Monster" lately cause your mommy is about to lose her marbles!! :) I've never heard such whining from you! You've never really whined this has been a treat I tell ya! :) So please hurry up and pop those teeth through buddy.....I'm not sure how much more this woman can handle! :) It BETTER be the teeth though....that's all I can say!! This is what you've looked like the past 3 or 4 days...

So yeah....the only time the whining hasn't gone on is when you have been doing this....and check out what you are doing in your sleep!! Soooo cute I could almost forget about the whining....almost.... :)

So...because you've given me such a hard time this week I am feeling like I want to post THIS picture so that I can smile some more....You'll probably kill me for this some day but it's so precious I can hardly stand it!! :) I love you boo boo....please feel better soon.....

Love, Mommy

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Happy Birthday Alex!!

My sweetest little boy....

So your little best friend Alex just turned ONE yesterday!!! I just can't even believe it. How can time go so quickly???? It seems just like yesterday that his parents and me and your dad were in our childbirth class together learning all about the best ways to take care of you guys!! How could a year have gone by already?? Well, Alex's mom Tracie has become a great friend of mine and we have gotten you both together quite a bit over the year. It's been so much fun to see you both grow and change! He's your first little buddy!! :)Here are a few pictures of you two.....

This picture shows you on the far right and Alex is on the far left...

In this picture Tracie and I are holding you both in the back row....

This one we were at Opryland!!

This one is taken with your girlfriend Aria too.....(she's also in the first picture next to you!! :)

This was a trip we took to the zoo.....

Christmas time......

And yesterday at the Library for the puppet show and storytime!!

We've had some fun times with your litte birthday friend. I can't believe your turn is next and you'll be one too!! I asked Tracie if she was sad that Alex was turning one and she was definitely having a hard time with it. I knew she would cause every time that I think about you turning one I get sad!! I just don't want you to grow so quickly!! Just slow down a little why don't you??? :( I'm enjoying you too much!!

So funny story from yesterday....At the end of story time, all of the little boys and girls are allowed to go up by the stage for the last song. Well, you are always one of the first to get there....I have a hard time holding you back the whole show!! So you crawled right up there and stood up holding on to the stage. Well there was a two year old sitting next to you who had a pacifier in his mouth. Well you decided that you needed that paci in YOUR mouth so you went right for it, popped it out of his mouth with a loud "POP" and it was headed towards your own when I jumped in to intervene. Tracie and I were laughing so hard and I started videoing what happened right after that. I was laughing so hard the camera was shaking, but this is what I got on film..... :)

So Happy Birthday Alex!! We love you!!! And we can't wait to have more fun times with you!!

Goodnight my little one....I love you so much....don't turn one! Don't do it!! :)

Love, your Mommy

Monday, March 3, 2008

Piglet and Woobie

Hey little man....

I just put you to sleep not long ago and I just went and checked on you and I have to are SOOOOO precious. Sooo darn precious. You now only sleep on your tummy with your legs tucked under you and your bum way up in the air. Slay me now, you are too cute!!! I've always thought that was the cutest way kids slept...

Well, you have now attached yourself to two things. And when I say you've attached yourself, I mean you don't go far without either one. It is absolutely one of the cutest things you've done so far. I am just in love with silliness. You just make me laugh all the time!

The main thing right now is this miniature small yet it has claimed your heart....:) It belongs to one of your bath toy collections, but now travels everywhere you do. You could care less about Pooh or Tiger....its all about the Piglet. You literally have it in your fist or mouth at all times!! So funny.... Here is your little guy

Your other "must have" is your of the softest blankets we have you are just in love with it. You drag it with you when you crawl and when you're walking around you have trouble manuevering without stepping all over it. You still would rather have it! If Piglet is in your mouth, the blanket is in your hand. If the blanket is in your hand then Piglet is in your mouth...... One or the other!! :)

I love you my sweet pea....Cant wait to watch you play tomorrow.....

Love, Mommy