Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Caden's First Christmas!!

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HEllo my little elf,

YOU ARE TOOOOOO CUTE!!! I can't stop saying that this Christmas week...You have been adorable!! So here we are, up at the condo in Frisco, Colorado right near Breckenridge, Keystone, Arapahoe Basin and Copper Mountain!! It is your VERY first Christmas!! Woo hoo!!! That's some exciting stuff!!! I can't ever think of a better place to spend this holiday than right here nestled in the middle of gorgeous mountains watching the snow fall in huge flakes all around us.

SNOW!!! You've gotten to see it for the first time, touch it for the first time and EAT it for the first time! (Just always remember, never eat YELLOW snow! :) ) You seem to be quite happy outside in the chilly air. We've gone out for a few walks through the park and down the streets of Frisco. You've been all bundled up as "snug as a bug in a rug", and you seem to LOVE it!! I've been paranoid that you aren't warm enough, but you seem to be quite content,....even more so outside!! You even take your naps in the cold! You amaze me more every day at how much of a trooper you are! My goodness....you are just perfect!!
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We've been giving you your baths in the kitchen sink....you are almost too big now!! Your Aunt Desi snapped some cute pics of you...

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Both your Uncles have been here, Uncle Matty, and Uncle Joey. You seem just mesmerized with them and they are so cute with you. It's been great having them around. Even your Aunt Desiree was here to see you!! We've had alot of fun with them for sure!!

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So.....After our little "incident" at the airport last week we got on the plane and had to make two different stops before we made it to Denver. YOU were a perfect angel. Thank you baby!!! :) I just couldn't believe how good you did...not a peep out of you all day. I must have done something REALLY good that week to deserve such perfection from a baby on a plane. Caden.....you really are the best baby I have ever known or seen. How did I get so lucky???

Your Nana picked us up from the airport.....You were SO happy to see her! It had been about two months since you'd seen your Nana and Poppa last, so it was a very exciting reunion. We headed up the mountain, enjoying all the sites along the way, and got settled into the condo and watched some snow fall down, and some neat icicles hanging across the street. It always feels like home up here to me. I hope that you will love the mountains as much as your mommy, and all the fun they have to offer from snow skiing, to sledding, to rock climbing and hiking....There are always endless possibilities and their beauty is absolutely breathtaking.

I always suffer a little altitude sickness the first few days I get here. I never knew there was such a thing while I was living here! People always whined about it, but I just thought they were being wimpy or something. Oh no! It's a REAL thing! I feel like I can't BREATH the first day or so.....I was really worried about you as we made the trek up the mountain, and unfortunately you DID suffer a little of the same sickness the first couple days. Poor boo.... I'm soo sorry. You just weren't quite yourself those first two days, but now you seem quite adjusted and as happy as can be! Whew!

We've spent our days playing games, eating, relaxing by the fire, and taking walks in the snow. I'ts been GREAT. We even got to go down the mountain and see your Gramma and Grampa!! It was a short visit, but it was so nice to see them again!

Your first Christmas....Wow....It just makes me think of all I've been through this last year. You have changed my life, and it amazes me the understanding and sacrifices that I have already begun to learn as a parent. And more than that, at this time of year, I am reminded even stronger of the TRUE reason of Chrismas and the TRUE sacrifice that God gave when he sent His son here to earth to die. I can't say I could have been that strong at all. We went to a really nice Christmas Eve service at a local church here in town. The pastor was telling a story of the ultimate sacrifice and it moved me deeply. It helped me understand even more what God felt like. Here is the story:

"There was once a bridge that spanned a large river. During most of the day the bridge sat with its length running up and down the river paralleled with the banks, allowing ships to pass through freely on both sides of the bridge. But at certain times each day, a train would come along and the bridge would be turned sideways across the river, allowing the train to cross it.

A switchman sat in a shack on one side of the river where he operated the controls to turn the bridge and lock it into place as the train crossed.

One evening as the switchman was waiting for the last train of the day to come, he looked off into the distance through the dimming twilight and caught sight of the train lights. He stepped onto the control and waited until the train was within a prescribed distance. Then he was to turn the bridge. He turned the bridge into position, but, to his horror, he found the locking control did not work. If the bridge was not securely in position, it would cause the train to jump the track and go crashing into the river. This would be a passenger train with MANY people aboard.

He left the bridge turned across the river and hurried across the bridge to the other side of the river, where there was a lever switch he could hold to operate the lock manually.

He would have to hold the lever back firmly as the train crossed. He could hear the rumble of the train now, and he took hold of the lever and leaned backward to apply his weight to it, locking the bridge. He kept applying the pressure to keep the mechanism locked. Many lives depended on this man's strength.

Then, coming across the bridge from the direction of his control shack, he heard a sound that made his blood run cold.

"Daddy, where are you?" His four-year-old son was crossing the bridge to look for him. His first impulse was to cry out to the child, "Run! Run!" But the train was too close; the tiny legs would never make it across the bridge in time..

The man almost left his lever to snatch up his son and carry him to safety. But he realized that he could not get back to the lever in time if he saved his son.

Either many people on the train or his own son - must die.

He took but a moment to make his decision. The train sped safely and swiftly on its way, and no one aboard was even aware of the tiny broken body thrown mercilessly into the river by the on rushing train. Nor were they aware of the pitiful figure of the sobbing man, still clinging to the locking lever long after the train had passed. They did not see him walking home more slowly than he had ever walked; to tell his wife how their son had brutally died."

Just like this story, so many people are oblivious of what God did for us, and we walk around trying to do everything on our own. If only we would give it all to God a little more? As we walked down the street that crisp evening with all the beautiful Christmas lights I breathed several words of thanks for you, and for my life. I'm one lucky mommy. :) We opened lots of fun presents the next morning, and had a blast watching you tear into some of the wrapping paper. You especially liked the bows and ribbon!! It's been a perfect Christmas. :)

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I find that I can barely remember what my life was like without you. You are only now eight months old and I feel like these last few months have been simultaneously the longest and shortest periods I’ve ever experienced in my life. On one hand I am amazed that you are growing so fast and barely have time to enjoy one moment to the next before it changes, while on the other I am so excited to see you grow up and learn about your world that I almost can’t sleep at night! You've been sleeping with me since we've been here and its been sweet to wake up to you softly cooing or dreaming or KICKING! :)and to realize that you are no longer a figment of my childhood dreams, but a living breathing human being lying next to me. It all feels so surreal. I feel like you has always been there waiting for your time to come into the world.

I don’t think that you can understand the feeling of being caught in a single moment while at the same time feeling stretched across the ages until you yourself become a parent. I find my thoughts dancing over all of the nights my mother had waited up for me to come home, and all the mistakes I had made as a teenager that in one way or another hurt my family. All of those nights that I came home late and dismissed my mothers’ worry and frustration with me all of a sudden have come around full circle. What will I feel like if you do not come home on time? Will I now be the one losing sleep waiting for the door to click open and heave a sigh of relief when the door quietly squeaks? Will I pretend that I am asleep to cover up the fact that I had been up late worrying? Will I get up and stand in my doorway as you come upstairs to your bedroom to ask you if you are all right?

I find myself singing you the same songs my mother used to lull me to sleep with, and comforting you with the same loving touch I always craved. No matter how much you may feel like you are different from your parents, there is never a time that you feel so completely molded in their image as when you have your own child. Seeing my parents hold you and love you is the most perfect gift I could have received for Christmas. You are all smiles for them, and all I can think about was how I used to be that small baby girl in their arms and now I am watching them hold the baby that will carry on in their likeness and memory years after they are gone.

Happy holidays to everyone celebrating their first Christmas with a new family, and to those dreaming of the Christmases to come. Enjoy the love and warmth that togetherness allows us to experience, and remember to make your memories count. I know I'm going to do my best!!!

I love you my little Christmas boy.

Love, Mommy

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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Caden's First "Owie"

My poor, little man,

Being a mom is still so raw for me. Moms that are more experienced than me understand that life as you know it can be zapped away in an instant. I'm learning this lesson daily. Last week I learned it again.

It was a freezing morning as your dad took us to the airport early in the morning to make our trek to Colorado for Christmas. I took you out of the car seat to transfer you to your stroller. I had you dressed in warm clothes, a thick jacket, mittens and a hat. I was so worried you would be cold. I want to protect you, every part of you. As I put you in the stroller and tried to buckle you in (as I ALWAYS do, no exceptions) your jacket was too thick and you were already smooshed in there pretty good. I took a blanket, tucked it all around you even more and was convinced that you were so wedged in there that nothing could pry you loose. Boy was I in for a big surprise.

We were practically running through the parking garage to find our way to warmth, with all our luggage in tow. Your dad was in front of us pulling a suitcase and lugging your carseat, and I was pushing you and pulling a suitcase at the same time. Your dad and I both hear a dull thump, a scream, and Crying, Crying, Crying. I had NO idea what had just happened or what could have caused you to cry?? As I stopped the stroller and peeked around to see what was the matter, to my utter HORROR, I see you sprawled out, FACE FIRST on the concrete floor. My mind could not even grasp how this could have happened. Surely, I hadn't just failed you. In that split second before I scooped you up with heart pounding out of my chest, I just knew that we wouldn't be making that plane, that your face would be a bloody mess, that I would be dying all day long.

I picked you up as you were sobbing, and there was nothing. Dear God, there was nothing. No blood, no marks, no nothing. I searched and searched your face....I couldn't believe it. Your sobs were piercing me to the core. I figured out that your blanket must have gotten caught in the wheel of the stroller, pulled you underneath the bar, slid you out and flipped you over. How could I have been so stupid???? Why did I not take the extra minute to make your stroller straps fit?

The fear. The tears -- my own. This is our first injury, I kept thinking, tears falling down my cheeks. The first of many more I knew, and I couldn't stand it.
And, just like that, you were fine. You didn't cry again. Pure, raw childhood seeped from your soul.

Not long afterwards, when I took off your hat, I began to see the results of your fall....a big red bump was beginning to form. Thanks to the fact that I had a hat on your head there was no blood, but still, there was a bump! Just looking at it broke my heart. It got redder and redder.....and it was all my fault!! So....your first "owie"...... It's almost gone now after a week, but it still makes me so sad every time I look at it. I'm so sorry boo boo.... I can already tell that I'm not so cut out for my baby hurting.... You are such a trooper. I love you so much.... :)

Love, Mommy

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Saturday, December 15, 2007

EIGHT Months!!!!

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Happy Birthday to you...Happy Birthday to you, Happy Eight Month Birthday to my perfect little guy....Happy Birthday to you!!! Oh my gosh you are EIGHT months old!!! Aww....... My little baby is growing up so fast..... Every month I can't believe how much bigger you are getting, how many changes you are going through, and how much more in love with you I grow. I have truly never been more in awe of any single human being. you make my life worth living.

You are so full of energy. You rarely stop moving. It is so interesting how being a mommy changes one’s perspective. I was trying to feed you the other day, (which is a whole blog in itself...dear GOD!) and we were doing fairly well until you spotted this bird outside the window hopping around on the patio table. You were so enthralled with this tiny black bird with wild white specks all over his body... just staring at your new little buddy, taking in its every movement. I couldn’t get you to open your mouth if I had a crowbar, so eventually I just gave up and watched the bird with you. It was interesting to think about how many little amazing opportunities I miss in the name of getting something done. We watched that silly bird hop around and do it's thing... It was sweet in some strange way, and not something I can remember doing in recent memory. Your raw enthusiasm for every little thing slows me down, and I like it.

In development news, you still are my little "toothless wonder"..... I just can't believe you still have no teeth! It's amazing!! Just when I think it's going to happen I am fooled! You can definitely sing the song "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth! :) That's ok my little muchkin....you take all the time you want... :)

You are SOOOOO close to crawling. It will definitely be ANY second now. You roll around the room, spin in circles on your stomach, and now you scoot backwards like a little crawfish or lobster. You are figuring it out....It's just a matter of time! I think Christmas will bring a fast crawler. I swear, once you figure it out it is ALL over. You are going to be speedy gonzales, I know it. You may just decide to skip crawling all together and just start walking! That is not entirely impossible!!

You are constantly talking....Mamamamama, Babababababa, Bowowowowowow, Nananananana, Nite nite nite nite, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, SOOOOO LOUD all the time. It's so cute. You are also a having a kick doing your little "fake cough". Uh, uh, uh, uh,,,,,, ALL the time!! It's your way to get attention and you think it's soooo funny. Geez little man, you are silly!!

Ok, so mommy is too tired now to even keep her eyes open, but she will write more tomorrow. I love you, and I'm so glad you are mine..... Happy Birthday my life...

Love, Mommy

Friday, December 14, 2007

My Letters To Caden

So I haven't written for awhile....the longest I think I've gone since I started these leters when Caden was born. I guess I've been a little discouraged....and because of what other people were saying I was questioning the existence of this blog I started. I mean, will Caden ever really care that I wrote these things about him? Will he want to stop for a moment someday when he is older to read some of my words of love? Am I expressing things that are too personal about how I feel to my family and friends? I'ts caused me great angst, and I've missed writing on here, but I've just been "stuck" in a place of confusion and frustration that I couldn't quite get out of. Well, now I have decided what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep on writing....

People may disagree with things I do for the rest of my life, I hate that, but there is nothing I can do about it. I can't make everyone happy all the time right? There are those that may think I'm being to open about my feelings for my son, but you know what? I am not ashamed of my love for Caden, or for sharing it. I want the world to know how in love with him that I am. What is the shame of being personal in this world? Don't we need more of that? If only people would express more what they truly feel wouldn't this world be a better place? As far as him ever reading this someday, maybe he will, maybe he won't. And that's ok..... it's there for him if there ever comes a time where he might just need to remind himself how loved he is. I guess I also imagine that if for some awful reason that something were to happen to me, that he would have a piece of my heart to carry around forever.....that he would have no doubt in his mind how much his mommy loved him, cause the proof would be right there in front of his eyes, spilled out on paper with so much emotion and love. I need for him to have that.

So....with as much as I've struggled with keeping this blog alive and going, I'm not going to stop what I enjoy doing so much...talking about Caden. If people want to peek into our world and share my joys, then wonderful!! I welcome you with open arms....that's a part of why this is here. I need all the support I can get... So, starting tonight, I will officially be "back online" and blogging my heart out. I have much to share!!! Hope you all have missed hearing about Caden as much as I've missed writing about him!!!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

What good is a "Bib?"

*** For those of you with a subscription to this blog, please go the the actual site or you will miss the video I put on here! ****

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My Messy Little Man,

I mean seriously.....what good is a bib when you make the biggest mess ever?? The only benefit I've seen thus far of wearing that silly thing is to protect the small piece of shirt that it covers....that's it. You have your moments of pretty good eating habits, like when we were in North Dakota, you were angel, (little do they know! :)....but for the most part you are nearly IMPOSSIBLE!! :) I just don't understand why you just can't open your mouth, take a bite, close your mouth, swallow and then repeat. Oh no.....you have to open your mouth, take a bite, put your whole fist in your mouth to feel the food as it squishes around....take your fist out, put it in your lap, getting it all over your pants...then take your next bite, put your fist in your mouth again, take it out and this time decide to feel your hair and see if it is still there, getting sweet potatoes, or carrots, or green beans all in your hair....take another bite, stick your hand in your mouth YET again, decide to kiss the nice cloth back of your highchair, and grab it at the same time, as I'm trying to stop you while I'm seeing yet ANOTHER load of laundry happening soon. My GOSH!!! You're not even a toddler yet.....don't even have ONE tooth to speak of and you're already a terror when it comes to eating!! :) I hope this isn't a sign of what's to come!! You are too funny..... I swear I'm not exaggerating about this one bit!!

I think I need to have a salon style set up..... You in a low, plastic chair with a cape tight around your neck with your arms hidden underneath.....Yes...that is what I imagine. How much easier that would be!! Somehow I still feel that you would find a way to make a mess even in that scenario. I've got to find a way to "nip this in the bud" now. How, I'm not sure, but I can't do this forever! :) It's funny to talk about, but not always so funny in the moment. :)

In other news....you are just soooooooo very active. It's really unbelievable. I think back to when you were oh so tiny and couldn't do much but wave your arms... now, you are trying to climb all over everything and twisting and turning every which way to see and experience as much as possible. It is definitely becoming harder to keep up with you and you're not even crawling yet!! I'm starting to realize that I am REALLY going to have my hands full once that happens!!

You have learned how to "wave" hello and goodbye to people and now you want to wave at everyone and everything. It is sooooo cute. I just can't get enough of it. Your little hand gets pumping and it is just precious. You wave at the TV, you toys, the dogs and your own reflection. I love that you are starting to mimic and understand things....How much fun we will have!! I can't wait for every new little thing that you will do....



You are babbling "mamamamamamama" and "babababababababababababa" all the time.... and oftentimes at the top of your lungs.... You seem to really love the sound of your voice. It's pretty darn cute. You are just pretty darn cute.... I can't help it...I am hopelessly in love with you. Don't ever forget that my little munchkin..

Love, Mommy

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Why I Love Going To Gramma and Grampa's House...

We got back from visiting North Dakota on Tuesday evening....we had a great trip! It was sooooo nice seeing my dad and getting to know Beth more. It's great that they are together and happy. Yay! :) Seeing my grandparents was wonderful as well....it's been WAY too long. They are so sweet and I just wish I could live closer to be able to see them more. It was wonderful seeing the rest of my family, and my Aunt Carol. Why do I have to live so far apart from EVERY single family member that I care about?? I hate this!!

Anyway...we had a fun, fun week taking pictures of Caden. Of course, if you know me at all, you know my unconventional way of photographing my son. It can never be normal! As my Aunt Jo Ann says...."most people take pictures of their babies in cute outfits...not Tiffany! She shoves him in a mailbox, puts him in a pot on the stove and etc..." Well, I must say we pushed it even further this time! :) It's just too fun!!! We were laughing soooooo hard as we were taking these....even have a little commentary to go along with them! Don't think badly of us for some of these pictures! I would never do anything to put him in harms way!!!!! :) He is always a happy camper and happy to do anything I want him too!! So....here goes...

Why I love going to Gramma and Grampa's House:

Grampa lets me play with knives!!

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He even lets me play with Gramma's china!!

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He doesn't mind if I play with scissors....

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He even lets me play with matches!!

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I LOVE when he lets me play with the meat cleaver....

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but it's even MORE fun when he lets me play with his power tools!!!

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Every once in awhile he'll let me play with plastic bags, sometimes even on my head..

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and if I want to play with some bleach or motor oil....he'll LET ME!! :)

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My Grampa likes to hunt, and he even let me hold his gun!!

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My MOST favorite was that he let me drive his hunting car!! We were both even wearing camo!! :)

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Can you believe he even lets me play in the middle of the road?

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Grampa taught me all about how to work on a car....I hope I can be as mechanical as him someday!!

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He even taught me about google and how to watch stocks online....

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What's REALLY cool is that he taught me how the do the "farmer blow" just like he taught my Uncle Matty and my Uncle Joey. That's some great information!!

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Most importantly, he also taught me the importance and many uses of ducktape....and that if I ever got a tear in my pajamas, that duck tape would work just fine.

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He's such a great babysitter too....He puts me up high where I can see everything that's going on, and he even makes sure my puppy Orrie is with me! How thoughtful!!

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Gosh I love going to Gramma and Grampa's.......I wonder what else I'll be able to do when I'm even bigger!!!! I can't WAIT to find out!!