Growing and Learning

Hi my little one,

Have I expressed lately exactly how obsessed I truly am with you, my little favorite person? Each day that I am home with you and get to witness your growth and development is yet another day that makes me marvel at your progress and the personality that you are developing. You are just such a joy....ALWAYS happy and content in any situation. My gosh, I spent 1 hour at the Post Office today, THREE hours at an Auto Shop and you didn't make one peep the whole time. I love when total strangers marvel at your goodness. They don't even know the half of it. Your smile is truly my most favorite sight in the world.....I could have the worst day EVER and one smile from you and it's all ok again. You are just so easy going and I am truly truly thankful. Thank you so much for letting me get my days done, my showers taken, my errands run, my vaccuming done, with the greatest of ease. I love you I love you I love you!!!

You are SO interested now in every thing that crosses your path, and you want to touch and grab EVERYTHING. You are quite coordinated with those precious little hands of yours! It's hilarious how you want the pen I'm writing with, the cell phone I'm talking on, or the spoon I'm eating with. You want to explore everything and not miss a thing. It's precious....

I try to do something.....every week...every day to teach you something new. I want you to be thirsty for knowledge and learning. I want you to be the smartest little man ever! :) We sing so many songs every day and it is so amazing that I will start a song and you get sooooo excited cause you recognize what song it is and what I'm about to do to you with tickles or pokes at certain times in the song. You are so smart already. We read a book every night and I point out all the things in the pictures and you are really starting to take notice and concentrate. I'm so excited for these things to make more and more sense to you. How much fun we will have!! I can't wait to answer all of your million questions that you will have for me. I promise to always take the time to have discussions with you about anything you want.

Well, you are going to wake up soon from your afternoon nap so I will end this for now, but please know that I always can hardly wait to hold you. I love you!

Love, Your Mommy

Who I am??

A great part of my life is sitting right in front of me, in an under-the-bed box that has been shoved away out of sight. My Journals.

Years of torment, self-torture, suffering, and a single young woman lie dormant in one fairly small box.

I pick various books up, read the dates, and start reading the entries. They are full of sadness, with sparkles of the nicest memories my mind can imagine. There is something joyful inside me however whenever I think back to some of my heartbreaks.

But it got me thinking, do I need to relive those memories to move forward? As I read through book after book, I am realize that I have forgotten things that used to haunt my life so very much. How I loved that one boy so much, and how I never truly understood why things went wrong. How sometimes I felt so alone even when I wasn’t. And, of course, there were the mistakes. The dreadful, awful, what was I thinking mistakes. Those are what haunt me the most....still.

I could burn these journals, all of them, light the match and be done with those memories. After all, how many memories have I forgotten because they were never written down? Perhaps the best memories, the most vivid ones, the most important ones of all, are ones that I will automatically remember...the ones that I hold dear to my heart.

Maybe I’m holding on to something by holding on to these journals, which until blogging entered my life were never really given much thought. I knew only that they were glimpses of my past, an easy way to take a stroll back in time, to the times of heartbreak and struggle that brought me to this very place, right at this very moment in my room on the floor.

On one hand, it’s enlightening to be able to see clearly the road that made me who I am today. On the other, I’m already me... do I really need to know how I got here? Nothing will change by re-reading these journals, right?

I can't seem to part with them...they hold such a part of me....even though it's past....it still shares my journey. I'm glad I'm still writing....

Home With You

Hello my precious,

You are sleeping right now and I miss you. I've needed you to get to sleep so that I could get some work done...(I'm SOOO far behind) and now that you are snoozing I just miss you so much I can't concentrate. How am I ever going to get any work done with you around to occupy my mind so darn much? Speaking of work, I have been SO fortunate to not have to be at work 5 days a week missing out on you. I think I would go crazy. I need to be with you...And I cannot imagine it any other way.

Yes, I need more money and I'm stressed constantly about how I'm going to make it from month to month. (that is where a majority of my tears come from...) Yes, I need to find ways to cut expenses on food and diapers and clothes..(thus the reason I sold my nice Infiniti). Yes it scares me death wanting to be able to give you everything, and not knowing how I'm going to do it all, but it is all worth it to me...

I'm the one who gets to be here to watch you grow and learn. I'm the one who gets to love and cuddle on you all day long. I'm the one gives you your milk, your meals, your toys. I'm the one who gets to hear every sweet noise that comes out of your mouth. I'm the one who gets to take you outside under the glorious sun and for lots of fun adventures. I’m not just the one to tuck you in to bed each night and wake you the next day, I get to experience it all. I don't know how I manage, I really shouldn't be at home, but with God's help I do, and I am still here baby....and I will be for as long as that is possible.

Hurry up and wake up.....work can always wait til bedtime right??? I miss you....

Love, Mommy

Heaven's Scent

Caden and I have a ritual. When he awakes in the morning, I go and scoop him up out of his crib and bring him to my bed to feed him. We cuddle while he is happily slurping away, and we usually fall asleep together for another hour or so. When he is so close to me I bury my face in her hair. I inhale. Deeply.....

My son's hair smells sweet and earthy . . .like play. Or, innocence. Or, heaven.

Lord, please, don't let me ever forget that smell.

I Promise...

Hi sweet pea,

You're sound asleep right now and I can't help but creep into your room every half hour or so just to stare at you....You'd think that I would get over that little habit, but you are like an addiction to me. I miss you so much when you are sleeping. I at least need a "fix" one way or the other. :)

I've been thinking about you and all the things that I want to do and be for you and I just wanted to make some promises to you now.

I promise to remember that babies are only toddlers for a little while, and to say "no" less and simply distract you more.

I promise whenever you are cranky and in a funk I will try to imagine what it's like in your little world at that moment. I will remember that you've only been here a few precious days, and it's perfectly reasonable to be awfully, awfully upset at times. Aren't we all?

I promise at least once a day to get down on the floor and be a total idiot with you.

I promise to celebrate your voice and let you hoot like a monkey, shriek like a banshee and be a happy goofball like your mommy. I'll make sure to happily distract you with quiet fun if we're not someplace that would appreciate our crazy songs, but I'll make sure to do it in such a fun way that you really won't mind.

I promise to talk to you a lot, to point out everything in our world and remember how new and exciting it all is.

I promise to read to you everything I can get my hands on, and let your imagination take you to the places in those stories.

I promise to teach you how to be the kind of child and person who people will love to be around. I will have high standards for you, but never too high to attain.

I promise to teach you how to find your own happiness through God so you never need more things, money, or friends to find joy in life.

I promise to always give you time where it's just the two of us.

I promise to be honest with you. I won't sugar-coat the world but I will also always let you know that you have a lot of people who treasure you and they will always help keep you safe. I promise not to forget, when you're old enough, to teach you how to stay safe -- even though I don't want to admit you could ever need it.

I promise to always put a little magic in your life.

I promise that sometimes I'll love you so much it makes me cry, and that no matter how old you are I will still sneak looks at you while you're sleeping, playing and living life. I promise that there will always be people who love you so much it's amazing, and we will be there for you no matter what.

I promise to never stop reading parenting magazines and books, talking to mothers, and listening to my heart so that I grow as a mother.

I promise to realize that you have to make your own mistakes sometimes and it's not my job to protect you so much that you never experience life. I'll do my best to give you room to fall off the jungle gym, date a girl with blue hair or take a year off college. If I have to superglue my lips together, I swear I'll hush and be supportive!

And most of all my little sweet pea, I promise to love you unconditionally and with more strength that I could ever imagine. You are everything to me, and I promise that will never change.

Love, Your Mommy

Bouncing Baby!

You LOVE your new little Jumper!!

A Letter To My Son

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference…
—Robert Frost

Dear Caden Alexander,

When you get big, I hope you’ll keep this letter tucked in your pocket or wallet always, always.

There is bound to be a time in your life when you have to make a big decision...to decide between A and B. This decision will seem like the most monumental thing you’ve ever had to wrap your brain around (it might very well be). Fear not... You may not sleep much and you may even shut down and seek out solitude—no shame in that—you’ve got some figuring out to do. You may stress about making the right decision, worrying about what your family and friends may think, how society will view you based on your personal experiences and the choices you make. You will agonize, my sweet son. Please know that I am always here for you, no matter how hard it may be to come to me, I am here. Most of all, all I can say to you is that the BEST relief from your stress, the BEST comfort from your dilemnas will come from God. Look up to Him and He will guide you in the right direction. Don't ever let that go.

When you do decide to maybe end a relationship, embrace an adventure that other people may not understand, even stick up for the kid on the school bus, you may wonder, "Did I make the right choice?" It may haunt you for some time... after all, there will be people out there with absolutely no association to you or the specific scenario at hand that feel the need to attack you for your choice. Don't let those poeple break you down. Their hate doesn’t matter. The bitterness is coming from a hurt in their own lives. It’s not for you to rationalize. Waste no time feeling like a lesser person. God said that you are fearfully and wonderfully made! I know that the way you will grow up, the love that will be shown to you and the people that will help shape you will turn you into a wonderful man and I trust that you will do your best to make the right decisions. No matter what mistakes or wrong choices you make, God will always take you back and wrap you in His arms, and so will I. When you are feeling down, get on your knees and pray, go do something fun with someone you care about. Write something, paint something, take a spontaneous road trip and laugh the whole way to that random destination, wind on your back, sun on your face. Always have the last word Caden, even it’s just to yourself.

If I could protect you from your first scraped knee, your first broken heart, and your first split second, life changing event or the agony you may feel when having to come to me with a dilemma—the but-how-do-I-tell-Mom thing, I would. But I can’t. My heart has been broken, my world has been paused, my parents have calmed my tears, open-armed. Life seemed impossible at times for me, too. However, I can guarantee you this, sweet boy, it’s not as bad as it seems. In the instance? Oh yes, it’s all very "Life is over, I’ve ruined myself, how will I ever recover from such pain." But, in time, that will dissolve and you’ll find yourself, like Mommy, having something that you thought was a disaster, turn into the greatest blessing of your life... and that taking the road less traveled will have made all the difference. Don't ever stop looking to God for your strenth...Your life will change with every decision that you make, and with Him on your side, life will be a beautiful thing!

I love you with my whole life,

Love, Mom

FIVE MONTHS already???

Hello my PERFECT, PERFECT, PERFECT little boy,

I know I've stated that fact only a million times, but I just can't stop reiterating that fact. Every day I am amazed by you. What on earth could I have ever done to deserve a little one as good as you are? I mean, I have not ONE complaint. I don't think that's normal. You are as perfect as they come. The perfect disposition...(always smiling and happy), the perfect eating habits, the PERFECT sleeping habits...I could just go on and on. I thank God every day for you...and I thank YOU everyday for making my life so much better than I could have ever dreamed it could be. YOU are amazing little munchkin. I love you more than all the chocolate chip cookie dough in the world...:) So!! In great news..... You are FIVE months old!!! I just can't even believe how fast these days are going. Sometimes I don't even realize that you are getting so big. Stop! It's going much too fast!!

We went camping (sort of) :) this last weekend with your Nana and Poppa!! We met in east Tennessee at a halfway point for us all to drive, and we had the tents, blow up mattresses, hot dogs and smores ready for some good ole camping! Well...little did we know that there was no place for us to set up camp. All the camping grounds were RV only so we ended up in a hotel the first night and a little cabin the second night. We had to laugh as we were sitting around our little "campfire by the river"....As we looked up into the night sky, we realized we were sitting right under a big, bright RV Campground Sign, and we were right by the highway. So much for some secluded camping!! :) You were so great though....i made a little bed for you on one of the folding chairs, and scooped you out of your bed and took you to your "campfire bed." We sat around eating hotdogs, singing songs, and eating smores...all while you were snoozing away. Again...you are perfect. The next day we found a place to put the jetski on the lake, pulled the car down by the water and set up camp for the day. It was a beautiful day and we all took turns riding the jetski...(not you...but someday soon!) and enjoying the sunshine. We built another fire and repeated our hotdog/smores tradition. So, besides your first mosquito bite on your cheek, (sniff, sniff) we had a great little weekend with your nana and poppa. They are just so amazed by you....and you just love them so much already!!

You just woke up from your nap right now....your smile could melts me to the very core. It is the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. I'm gonna go for now so that I can just love you up....!!! I love you my precious!!

Love, Mommy

I Am Seriously Not Well

Little man,
It is 10:29 pm and I am about to be sick. I was having a late night bowl of cereal, and decided to Google “television watching and brain development”. My poor, poor critter. I am so sorry that I am guilty of letting you watch a few Gilmore Girls episodes or random shows at times with me from that idiot box. In a nutshell, television watching in the infant and toddler set contributes to the development of ADHD. Nausea.

I’m sorry, little butterbean. You have watched some t.v. in your day. And the worst part is that I had my suspicions about the effects it might be having on your brain, and continued to do it thinking that was just one of my paranoias and now I may have done irreparable harm to you.

So I called a friend to tell her that I've likely damaged you and that the television is a goner. She was very sweet to me. She kept repeating that I have not messed you up, which I needed to hear. She said that given my family’s history, there is a good chance you will have ADHD anyway. Ha Ha! :)This was not quite as helpful..... :) but probably true. To me that is all the more reason to cease and desist any and all t.v. watching right now. I wound up talking about how this is likely the first of many feelings of terror that I've screwed you up.
I cried. It scared the bejesus out of me, love. I’m trying to be graceful in my recovery, but I’m still not sure I haven’t messed up your hardwiring.

Goodnight my love, and please no ADHD......

Love, Mommy

Our Oregon Adventure

Hello my sweetest little love,

You finally got to meet your Uncle Joey and Aunt Desiree! What a fun trip we had.... As far as the flights went, we had too many stops coming and going,(which I'll never do again), and you had your moments of exhaustion. On the way there you were as thrilled as you could be. People couldn't help but comment on what a happy baby you were. I just brought lots of small toys and brought them out one at a time, renewing your interest in a lengthy way. That worked very well. On our first flight you wound up sitting in the lap of the woman across the aisle. She had four grand-babies, so she was great with you. On the second flight you taught yourself how to blow raspberries, which was a great deal of fun for you. I can’t imagine all the surrounding passengers didn’t just love watching you puff up your face and with great glee make loud, slobbery noises. You tried so hard to get the guy across the aisle to pay attention to you, and when he didn’t (after a lot of your most charming self) you puffed up a furious raspberry right at him. Very funny stuff. The lady sitting next to me laughed and commented on how great you are.

Your Aunt Desiree was there to pick us up. I was soooo happy to see her! She had cut her hair and just looked SO cute. She couldn't believe how cute you were pumpkin! She was just so happy you were there to visit. We loaded up ALL the stuff...:) and headed to their home in Astoria, Oregon. (Your uncle Joey was still at work so he couldn't come.) We had a beautiful two hour drive up to the coast and when we got there your Uncle Joey was there to greet us!! I must say, your Uncle Joey is quite taken with you...Very mesmerized. He kept saying, "I want one now!" :) You're so great you could make anyone want one of you!

Your Uncle Joey and Aunt Desiree have a cute little house across the street from the water in such a cute little town! We had fun driving around to see the gorgeous sites, and driving on the BEACH! (Yes, you can drive on the beaches in Oregon) FUN FUN! Your Aunt Desiree went shopping with us and she bought you a cute outfit for the cooler weather, a little stuffed frog, and your little puppy dog that we named "Orrie." (Short for Oregon) We went to a little town called Seaside and explored for a day and had a nice lunch. It was fun!!

We only got to see your Uncle Joey for about 3 hours every evening. He is a Captain of a busy fishing boat! He has to get up at 3:30 to get to the boat and takes the fisherman out on the ocean to catch Tuna and Sturgeon and lots of other huge fish. We got to see their catch one day as they were coming in. Those fish were twice as big as you are munchkin!

It was SO nice to see Joey and Desiree... I miss them so much. The last night we were there your Uncle Joey took us all out of his boat for a little harbour tour. It was so beautiful!!! We got to watch the sun go down, and feel the cool night breezes! Too bad you missed the WHOLE thing! You were in slumber land just snoozing the whole night away. Oh well, whether you remember it or not, it was your very first boat ride! And I'm so glad it was with your Uncle Joey. He's definately our "sailor man!"

Our trip was WAY too short and we had to leave... :( On our way out of town we took a bunch of picures....even of the sea lions laying all over the docks! You thought they were funny... :) I was so sad to leave. I hope that we get to see everyone again soon.

On our first flight home, it was the first time you cried on the plane. I knew it was time for you to sleep, and your crazy mother forgot your pacifier in the stroller at the gate. I had taken the other one out of your bad earlier, and that too was in the stroller. You HAVE to have that to sleep, so what did you do? You cried so hard for the whole hour flight. You didn’t want a bottle, you didn’t want a toy, you wouldn't be comforted in any way. I had to sit there in my seat with you screaming, until we took off and they turned the seatbelt sign on. It was a nightmare. I was freaking out enough that I couldn't stop you from crying, (the first time EVER I must say) and knowing it was my fault that you were, and feeling bad about the passengers all around me. They all just kind of cringed at the crying baby, although they did it in a nice, “We are sympathizing with you” kind of way. Thank GOD I had to change planes after that flight so I got the stroller back and could rescue your pacifier. As soon as I plugged that in your mouth you were out like a light through half of the other flight. When you woke up you were so happy! You smiled and flirted with anyone who would make eye contact with you. In a grand testimony to your goodness, as people filed off the plane, almost everyone said goodbye to you, many by first name!

So ...all in all, our plane experience was a great one. So there you go. You are a trooper, a boy with wings. Not every baby could have done so well, so I thank you. You were so good everywhere we went and I'm so glad that you seemed to like adventure just as much as your mommy. You have no idea how many more places I want to take you, and how many things I want to teach you and show you! I get so giddy thinking about sharing my life with you!!! Let's have a fun one my little guy...you and me...I love you so much!!!

Love, Mommy

California Here We Come!

Hello my little love!!

It's been WAY too long since I've written, but we've been pretty darn busy haven't we? So!!! We just got back from our first really big adventure! We went to California AND Oregon! What a week of firsts.... Where do I even begin? Well, after I loaded up all of the stuff that we needed for our trip, (my gosh little one...! You require SO much stuff! I needed the stroller, the carseat, the pack-n-play, our suitcase AND the diaper bag! Whew! I was already exhausted!) we headed to the airport and checked the three items and made our way to security. What a pain in the behind THAT is! I had to take my laptop out of my diaper bag, put the diaper bag on the belt, and fold the stroller up to put on the belt, all the while holding you. NOT easy, but we managed with a little help from the man behind us. It IS nice that I can take the stroller all the way to the gate. While we were in line to board the plane I started to get the littlest bit nervous of what it was going to be like with you. I mean, you are always so perfect, never really cry, and in the car you are an angel, but you are able to lay in your crib when you're tired, or sit in your carseat. This was different. You had to sit in my lap. Anyway, you became very vocal just before boarding, screaming in delight and making everyone laugh around you. It was if you knew that this was your first plane ride and you were greatly excited. You were too cute.

So normally I don't feel like I am "the plague" or something when I get on a plane and people have the option to sit next to me. In fact, people usually seem quite willing....NOT NOW! It was like I had a sign on me that said "This baby is going to scream the whole flight." It's so amazing to see that change. I just wanted to explain to everyone how good you are, but I wasn't as confident as always, so I just let it go. It made me a little mad that people didn't realize what an angel you were. It's as if they were missing out on you or something. Oh well, their loss.

So your first flight from Nashville to San Diego was a total success. I couldn't have been more proud, and relieved! You were making every one smile and laugh around you with your sweet noises and perfectly contagious smile. You even slept a little with no problem at all. I was worried about your little ears and the pressure, but I just made sure you were sucking on your bottle during take off and landing and you seemed just fine. Even the flight attendant came up to you as the plane was getting ready to land and said "You win the award for the best baby of the day!"

I didn't tell your Uncle Matty that I had dyed my hair brown and he almost drove right by us...he was so shocked! It was so nice to introduce my brother to you. He was just so amazed.... We were ready for some fun with your Uncle Matty!

So not only did you have your first plane ride and your first trip to California, just about an hour after we got to Matty's condo, you completed another milestone. You grabbed your feet for the first time!! It was SO cute! Now it's pretty much your favorite thing to do....

Your Uncle Matty has an AWESOME condo that he has be remodeling, and it was really nice to see all the things that he has done! When we got there we went to the beach and you got to touch the sand and the waves for the first time EVER!! What a special moment....Yay! We went back to Matty's and grilled out and just enjoyed the nice cool California breezes. You were out like a light just on schedule....it was nice to share a bed with you again punkin....I miss hearing you breathe. You are so cute I could just watch you all night.

The next day we spent at the beach just hanging out and taking lots of pictures. I got lots of great ones of you! You are the cutest beach bum! I'm sure you will love the ocean as much as your mommy. I got lots of video of you in the sand and in the water. I'm so glad you got to experience that this early.

We had alot of fun at your Uncle's house just hanging out, and grilling out, and he just thought you were the cutest thing EVER. Our time went by way too quickly but I was so glad that we got to make this trip. Thanks Uncle Matty!!!! We love you!!

Next stop....Oregon!! I'll write more about that trip tomorrow.....I am soooo tired now. You are sleeping peacefully and I am heading there myself. I love you so much my perfect little man. Thanks for making this trip to California my favorite cause you were with me. Goodnight little one,

Love, Mommy

Need Rogaine?

Hi my little baldy...

In huge news...You're losing your perfect, precious, beautiful hair! I can't believe it!! I can't believe how attached and in love with your sweet hair that I am! And to think that I wanted a bald baby! Your hair has been one my favorite little things about you....I never know what its going to do from one day to the next and I've loved every precious hair on your head. I wonder how its going to grow back...the same color? Curlier? Another wonderful thing that I'll get to look forward to! You look like a little old man now starting to bald....I'ts soooo cute!

I just found out today that I can't have my other surgery for another two or three months. I am so disappointed. I'm so tired of not feeling like myself. Thank God I have you! I sure am in love with you, and you sure are in love with me. Right now I am feeling like I could just crawl in bed and stay there for a while, but then I am faced with the reality that those days are over for me. You are the best reason for me to put on my happy face and continue to push through every day. Thanks sweetheart.

And may I say, you certainly are adjusting nicely to life on the outside (which makes it sound like you just recently were released from prison. :) You are starting to understand things like getting dressed, the necessity of diaper changes, that it will always be cold when you get out of the tub, that sometimes you just HAVE to wait for a bottle, that eventually your eyes will adjust to the light, that naps are good things and that night-night time is actually a fun thing. You are understanding that your hands are for holding things, as well as gnawing on, and that Mommy is the funnies person in the world. I hope someday you understand that being on your stomach can be a fun thing! Boy do you still hate it!! You whine like a big baby! Oh---you ARE one!! :) I think you really like being read to, and are always pretty self-content. You have a special fondness for your little monkey, and you love to hold on to a blanket already. I think that you are going to be a "woobie" boy. How sweet will that be? Your uncle Joey had a woobie that he loved too...

Well, we're almost packed for your first plane ride on Wednesday...I can't wait for you to meet your uncles! I can't believe how many more things that I have to pack for you little one. You require alot more than even me!! I hope we can manage all this you and me...It's alot for your mommy to juggle on her own! You, the suitcase, stroller, carseat and diaper bag. Whew! I'm worn out just thinking about it! We'll see if I get the title "Super Mom" after this trip! :)

I'm absolutely exhausted so I will say goodnight for now... I love you, I love you, I love you.

Love, Mommy

Cader Tater Tot

Hello again my perfect little one!

Did you know that this is what your Nana calls you all the time? "Cader Tater Tot!" You are her little Tater Tot for sure! :)

We kinda had a rough night last night. You were up a good portion of the night with a fever and not feeling so good after your vaccinations yesterday. I knew that it would happen, but it's never easy getting little sleep. I'm so tired right now I don't know how I can even type, but what can I say.... you inspire me no matter what state I'm in. I'm so sorry you were not feeling well last night punkin'.... I just hated knowing that you were miserable. We cuddled up together and I helped you get through it.....Finally your fever broke and you were able to go back to sleep at 4:30. I thought for sure you would snooze through your regular waking time of 6:30, but boy was I wrong! I should have known....you're my clockwork baby!! How is it that EVERY morning you are awake within 5 minutes of 6:30? I mean, I'm not kidding! It's the same every morning! How do you do that??? If I needed to catch a plane and be up by that time, I wouldn't even set an alarm....I'm THAT confident that YOUR internal alarm would wake us just fine!! :) You're so cute....

So, since I was up most the night I had alot of time to think about alot of things, and I was thinking about all the people that I love in my life that you haven't met yet. I wanted to tell you a little about them and why I can't wait for you to meet them.

First of all....My best friend in the whole world lives in Colorado where your mommy grew up, and his name is Ian. I could go on and on all day long, and write for the rest of my life, and that wouldn't even come close to explaining how wonderful he is. If I could chose any man on this earth that I would want you to be most like, it would be Ian. He has been in my life for as long as I can remember, has been there for me....and has always remained that one person I would want by my side no matter what. You would love him....I know I do.

Of course you haven't met your Uncles yet! Uncle Joey and Uncle Matty!! We are going to see both of them next week and I just can't wait!!! We are going on your first plane ride from Nashville to San Diego, to Portland, and then back to Nashville. Whew! You are going to love flying little one...Travel is just in your blood!

Now, your Uncle Joey has been quite the "accident prone" guy most of his life, so don't be getting any bright ideas there! You know how your mom gets when you are in pain! I'll be completely gray by the time you are four if you take after him! He is very adventurous and always seems to know how to fix anything. He's definately the kind of guy that you want to take with you everywhere you go in case anything happens. Joey is just Joey, and I love him so much. He is going to think you are amazing! He can't wait to show you all sorts of "cool" things. You two will have lots of fun...

Your Uncle Matty is the golfer uncle. He LOVES to golf, and is very good at it. I'm sure that he will teach you how to play some day! Maybe when you're about two? Matty is very interesting in his quiet way. We have a fun time together,and I just love him so much! He is definately excited about you coming! He always wants me to send pictures of you to his phone!

There are so many other people that I can't wait for you to meet....they are all so wonderful in their own ways...but I have to mention one more. My Aunt Jo Ann....so I guess she would be your great Aunt? She is my favorite..... You will absoulutely LOVE her!!!!!! She is soooooo soooo funny, and amazing, and just plain wonderful to be around! She can just make any experience the most memorable, and not many people can do that. She is such a special woman, one I look up to, and I always have the best time when she is around She definately makes me wish that our family was all closer. She is just going to eat you up when you see her! I think that she will be your favorite too... :)

I don't have time now to mention more people, but I'm so glad I have that problem! Not many people are blessed with as many wonderful friends and family as I am! Someday you will meet them all....


I'm exhausted so I am going to go take a quick nap now that you are asleep... I love you so much.....

Love, Mommy

Mmmmm.....

I just had to put a picture of your first eating experience....it was just too funny, and too cute...!!

Some Crazy Weeks.....

Hello little man of mine..

It's been SOOO long since I've written..I've scolded myself almost every day now for not taking the time....but there hasn't seemed to be any time at all!

Ok...where to begin? Well....to make a very long story short, your mommy has not been doing so well physically since you came along. Although I had the perfect pregnancy and birth, boy did you wreak havoc on this body of mine as you came through that birth canal! Not that I am complaining...I would do it a million times over again to have you my little perfect baby. You are worth every ache and pain.

Your mommy had to have surgery so your nana came to stay with us to help out for a week.... Boy did we have fun with her! She is so good to you.....singing to you, playing with you, bathing you... You just eat it up and reward her with a million smiles. She sure does love you! And she is so good to me! I couldn't lift you up in your little car seat, or lift your stroller, so she had to do all the hard stuff....poor nana! :( Well...after a few days I realized that my surgery didn't work and I was sooo discouraged. How can you go under anesthesia, have them cut you up and it not work? Soooo frustrating... Somehow we have to get mommy fixed.... It will happen! :)

Soooo....we had to go to many doctors this week for your mommmy, and endure some not so fun tests. At one place, I got there and they asked me who was there to watch you! I said, "uh...me!" They then informed me that you were not allowed back there with me and I needed to call someone. After much panic I finally got a hold of your Aunt Erica, and she came all the way across town to watch you in the doctor's office. Thank GOD for my friends and family. She had so much fun with you, and by the time I was done you were fast asleep. What a stresful day! And it wasn't over yet! I got you home and when I took you out of your carseat you were BURNING up. At first I just thought it was because it was hot outside...after all, it has been in the 100's lately, but after I had you inside for about a half and hour and you were still hot, I took your temperature and it was 103!!! Of course I panicked! I called the doctor and they told me to bring you in right away. They ran some tests on you, including drawing your blood, which was my most painful moment with you since you were born. I felt I was betraying you as I held your poor body down and they were poking you with the needle. They couldn't find your vein at first, so they were digging around your arm with the needle as you were screaming at the top of your lungs. I couldn't hold the tears back....I love you so much and your pain and fear were slaying me. I'm so sorry little one. Turns out you had a little virus and when you woke up the next morning you were as good as new! Thank God! You gave me a little scare there!

Well, we just got back from your four month check up at the doctor. You are four months now!!! It amazes me every day... I’m not cut out for this "I'm going to be a calm parent when my child is hurt" thing, love. You poor darling boy. When that ole’ nurse stuck you (three times) with the shooter, I thought I’d die. You just shrieked, then lost the ability to breathe, just hiccuping hysterically. My poor little sweetest honey child…

In more uplifting news, you are a whopping 16.4 pounds, which puts you in the 75th percentile for weight. This is an incredible achievement because last appointment you were in the lower 20th percentile. In both height and head circumference you are 51st percentile. Hooray Caden Alexander! You have definitely filled out, as you ought to be doing. Every curve of your body is perfect! And your skin… Oh my word, but you have got the greatest skin.

You were all smiles for the nurses and folks in the waiting room–everyone commented on what a lovely, fun disposition you have. You were most vocal, jabbering on to anyone that would listen to you. Pretty much if your eyes are open, your mouth is going. You love to screech... i'ts so stinkin' CUTE!!! I swear, I wanna eat you up.. :)

My child, you are the total greatest. So fun. Please forgive us for all the silly pictures we take of you. I’m sure when you are 18, 21, 27, etc. you will be horrified that we ever forced you to participate in such madness. Maybe it will help you stomach the event to know that you were adored by all.

In any event, you are smart. It is strange to watch all the things that you are doing, thinking “Wow, this is the first time that you are doing these cool things.” You are really working hard on your hand/eye coordination. It is amazing to watch you look at something and then reach out and get it. A huge developmental accomplishment! Hooray, Caden!!

You have a fierce grip, and you LOVE to suck on our fingers and your whole fist. Now you've started pulling on mom's hair. Can I say OUCH? MAN you can pull hard for a little guy! I'm always aware of where my hair is now, and mostly pull it back for fear of some major hair loss!

In other news, you absolutely HATE to be put on your stomach....you can go from smiling ear to ear to whining like no one's business when I put you on your belly. What a baby! (Ha!) The doctor tells me to put you on your stomach for at least 15 minutes a day to help build your muscles, but you aren't having any of that!! Sometimes you will let me put you there for about one minute and then the grumbling starts...I try to shoot as many pictures as possible, as QUICKLY as possible, before you start demanding a different position. You know how to roll over....why don't you just flop over and get it over with?? :) You are toooooo funny.

I keep forgetting if I've mentioned your fake sneezes yet. I write about so many things that sometimes I wonder if I'm repeating myself. Anyway, no biggie, If so, I'll just mention it again! You are a sneezin' little guy...And you can never sneeze just once! Oh no...it's usually 3,4 or five times. Alot of times you will start sneezing, think you are going to sneeze again, and just kind of make up a little sneeze on you own. You kinda sound like an old man sneezing...a big tadoo...
This is literally one of my most favorite things you do....you make the funniest face, and I am just dying to get it on video!

Speaking of video...I videoed you eating some rice cereal from a spoon for the very first time last night! What a big event! It was quite hilarious, and you have more cereal all over your face than actually going in your mouth! You haven't quite gotten a hang of that "swallowing solid food thing" yet. We'll try again in a day or so. Your doctor said that I can even introduce banana's and applesauce! Yum, yum! Just like with food, I am so excited to introduce you to everything in this life. You just can't even believe how many experiences you are going to have! I promise to make every one as memorable and fun as possible punkin'.

Well, you are not feeling so great today after those immunizations so I am going to go love on you extra much. I love you, I love you, I love you!!! Quit growing so quickly!!

Love, Mommy

My lovely little person

July 27th...

Hi my baby,

So much has been happening, it is hard to keep up. I always regret not writing because I want you to know everything that has been happening in your life, but it's hard to juggle everything!

Of primary importance– I have discovered that you are quite ticklish under your armpits. It is the sweetest little thing. The other morning, just on a whim, I tickled you under your armpits and you started cracking up. It is funny to watch and listen to you laugh–it makes me ecstatically happy to listen to you giggle and then break out into a full on fit of laughter. It’s another one of those crazy things, a way that you are growing up. It’s so awesome to see you grow up and learn new things, but then also inexplicably sad to see you leave certain things behind (like your sweet little preemie clothes,newborn clothes, and swaddling rituals). I could never have guessed how emotionally loaded being a parent is and how irrational love can feel. I keep wanting to freeze you where you are. I can’t imagine that the day will ever come when I can’t just pick you up and hold you or splash around with you in the tub. Sniff…

I got you one of those bumbo seats and you just love it! It's so nice to be able to set you anywhere and you just "hang out." I put you on my countertop in my bathroom while i'm getting ready and you just watch me....I put you on the stovetop in the kitchen while i'm cooking or cleaning and you just watch me....Anywhere I put you you are just content as can be and you just watch me.... you are too cute!!!


I hope that you will always feel like you can come to me and that I will help guide you through life’s many journeys. While it may be hard to remember at times, I am your mom and we will always have your best interests at heart. No one will ever love you more than I will love you, ever. I will always root for you the hardest and cheer for you the loudest. When you hurt, I will ache for you, and when life is good to you, my heart will swell for you. I will always be your number one fan, no matter the situation or outcome. I hope that you will know these truths in your heart for all time, my littlest buddy. Sniff…

Well, I don’t know what to say now. I didn’t mean to go on one of my emotional blubberings, but there you go. I’m just so scared that I will mess up along the way and you will not know how extremely dear you are to me.

But what else… Next week we have to go for your 4 month doctor’s appointment. I can’t believe it's already time for that! You are going to get your next round of vaccinations, which means shots. I’m sure to cry and I may have to hold myself back from wrangling the needle from the nurse’s hands. Serenity now… I wonder if you're going to start eating solid foods soon? That's going to be a fun fun day...

Well, my littlest love... I've got work to do now so I better take advantage of that while you are asleep! I'm missing you already!! Sleep tight my munchkin....Mommy loves you...

Love, Mommy

Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

Hi Punkin',


"You're just too good to be true,
Can't take my eyes off of you.
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much,
At long last love has arrived,
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true,
Can't take my eyes off of you.

Pardon the way that I stare,
There's nothing else to compare,
The sight of you leaves me weak;
There are no words left to speak.
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true,
Can't take my eyes off of you.

I love you baby, and if it's quite all right,
I need you, baby, to warm the lonely night.
I love you, baby, trust in me when I say:
Oh pretty, baby don't bring me down I pray,
Oh pretty baby, now that I've found you,
Stay and let me love you, baby, let me love you."

I love to sing this song to you. It just seems to express quite well how I feel about you...... I sing to you all the time, and sometimes it seems as if you are trying to sing as well! :) Your favorite song at the moment is "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands"....when I sing "the whole" part, I spread your harms REALLY wide, and use great expression, and you just giggle and giggle...! I just love your smailes, and you are just full of them all the time.

Well, you are waking up from your nap now.....I can hear you in there just talking away.....I can't wait to see you, so I will have to finish all I have to say another time. I love you munchkin!! :)

Love, Mommy

I'ts all about me when I'm eating!

July 19th,

Hello my little whiner, :)

Ok, let me clarify. You NEVER whine or cry or moan and groan. I've already made that point very clear on many occasions about how very perfect you are... EXCEPT when you are eating and I am not giving 100% of my attention to you. It is too cute... you like me to be perfectly quiet and for my eyes to be on you the whole feeding. If I start talking to someone else, or looking at something else, the whining starts....:)...It's more like a squeal of protest. You absolutely do not want my attention diverted anyhwere else except your face. I'ts hilarious.... Also, even when I am paying that 100% attention to you, you don't want me to talk or sing to you either. Any other moment of your awake time you welcome it gladly, and even sing along, but when you are eating it is strictly business, and you would prefer it to be nice and quiet. Sometimes I forget and start to sing something to you and that squeal puts me back in my place. What a goof you are. I guess if that's the ONLY thing you are a bit demanding of I will let you eat in peace and not complain. As much as I love looking at you I can spend that time soaking you in.... I love you my little "quiet eater."

You got your first little boo boo this week and it was all my fault. :( We were taking a walk in the stroller and I turned you towards the sun for just a moment. I usually pull the shade down immediately but I thought you'd be ok for just a second. Well, you started clawing at your eyes and took a little chuck out of your nose. It was the first time you had a blood-drawn accident. As tiny as the little scratch was, I wanted to just cry and cry. My goodness, what am I going to do when you REALLY hurt yourself? I'm already dreading it... Please don't be like your Uncle Joey Caden. He was ALWAYS hurting himself..... Don't do that to me ok? I don't think I would handle that very well. I always considered myself to be pretty calm in those type of situations, but I'm worried now...I seem to fall apart anytime that you cry or hurt. I need to learn how to "toughen up" when it comes to you. You are truly my weakness.....

Well, I love you so much....I'm going to go look at you sleeping....you are so funny now. You're hair goes all over the place and you are just looking more and more like a little boy. Stop growing so fast!!!

Love, Mommy

I'm a Roller!

July 16th...

Hi my little roly poly,

It was your 13th week birthday yesterday....you are growing so big!! Today you accomplished a big milestone....you rolled over for the first time!!! I was so excited I acted like I won the lottery or something. It's amazing how much you thrill me with just the little things you do. This was a big one though!! I rolled you back on your stomach and away you went again! You did it three times in a row! Yay! I'm sure pretty soon you will be rolling all over the place.

You are starting to really "look" at everything now and take it all in. I love watching you discover things for the first time. The other day you really "noticed" your bottle for the first time. Of course you have been in contact with a bottle every day, multiple times, for quite awhile now, but until then you were pretty much oblivious. Now its like ohhhhhh.... this is how I get my food.... and you lay there and just study it. I'ts cute...

You definately keep your eyes on me when other people are holding you. You seem to know at every moment where I am in the room. Sometimes I feel I need to leave the room in order for the person holding you to get some attention, but secretely I am bursting with love for you that you seem to care so much that I am near. I just simply adore you and your precious ways about you.

I put you in your bouncy seat in the bathroom when I am taking a shower and while the shower door is clear, it still gets fogged up and you can't see me unless I rub a little area to look out. I can see that you are just staring at the glass door, and when I do rub a spot to look out at you you just explode in the biggest smile ever. It's as if you are just waiting for me to show my face.... You never cry while I am taking a shower or getting ready in the bathroom...you just sit there and watch every move I make. I just don't understand why everyone said I wouldn't have time to take a shower or get ready. You allow me to do whatever it is I need to do in my day while not so much as a peep. You truly are the perfect baby. I am just so in love with you....

It's crazy that at only 3 months I already know things you like and don't like. For instance, I know you like to be swaddled when you sleep. You like a blanket to be cozy around your head. You like your pacifier when you sleep.(That is the only time I give you a pacifier) You don't like your feet swaddled. You don't like to be held in the traditional way that a baby is held....you like to be in a more upright position, and you LOVE baths. I can't wait to learn more of your likes and dislikes. I just can't wait to learn more about you period.

I just put you to sleep not long ago and I already miss you. Can't wait for the morning so I can kiss your precious face.

Love, your Mommy

My little travelin man

July 3rd, 2007

Hi, lovebug.

Last night I "woke" you up to have a bottle before I went to bed at midnight, and my heart swelled at your sweetness. You never open your eyes for these late night feedings... you just slurp away. Everything about you was so soft and it just made me ache. I cherish you, sweetest, sweetest boy.

Last week we made the trek to South Carolina to see your nana and poppa. I am still so amazed how well you do in the car. Not a single peep the whole six hours. How is it that you are so good?? It makes me nervous every time cause I feel that it can't possibly be as easy as a trip as the last time but you suprise me every time you get in that carseat. You are a first class traveling boy. Anyway.....we got to Nana and Poppa's and boy did we have fun! They were so amazed how much you've grown and matured in just a month. Your personality is developing at warp speed now–you are full of grins, babbles and curiousity. They just loved loving on you all week long. Papa showed you what "tools" were and you even tasted your first hammer! We had alot of fun taking funny and cute pictures of you..... Please don't be mad at me when you get older, but we did put you in a flower pot and also in a big pot on the stove. We even put you on a platter with vegetables all around you. (That was your nana's idea so you can have a talk with her later.) We got such a kick out of it and were laughing so hard the whole time....you just looked soooo cute. By the end of our photo session you didn't appreciate us all too much so we decided to stop. I just love you!!!

Your papa had a company party and we took you to see your first fireworks display. I was a little nervous whether or not it was ok for you to be there, and if it would be too loud for you, but when the fireworks started I just put my hands over your ears and you stared into the sky just mesmerized. I'm not sure what all you could see, but it sure seemed like you enjoyed those fireworks as much as any of us! My gosh I hope I haven't hurt your precious little ear drums in any way. I just worry so much about you.....you are precious.

This past saturday we all went to the lake and you got your first taste of truly being a "nature man". I stripped you down to your birthday suit and took you swimming in the lake. Boy did you love that! You were kicking and splashing and just seemed in awe of the whole experience. You probably just loved being naked for so long!! We decided we needed to get some pictures of you sitting up on the Jet Ski so I went around to the other side and held you up so it looked like you were riding it on your own. It was soooo cute. There was a boat next to us full of people watching our "photo session" when all of the sudden nature called for my little munchkin. Before we knew it you were letting a little stream fly through the sky like a little drinking fountain. The people in the boat next to us starting clapping and cheering and we were laughing so much I could have drowned. :) Definately a hilarious moment....what a way to christen the new jet ski!! I'm so glad you love the water my little one....we are going to have some fun adventures in the future. I can't wait!!

You make me feel so crazy good it is hard to imagine my life without you now. What did I even do before you? I think I would be so lost without my little Caden. When you giggle, I feel like I'm hearing the voice of God. And then there's the goofy way that you try to slurp down a bottle and put your hands in your mouth at the same time. Occasionally you seem to get frustrated that you aren't eating fast enough, and I have to laugh at you. There is a video of a dog who attacks his own foot, apparently unaware that the foot is attached to its own body. When you have your hand in your mouth along with a bottle, you kind of remind me of that dog. It is as though you don't realize that your hand belongs to you and you can take it out of your mouth. Maybe you don't–who knows? Whatever the case, you are fantastically cute and I adore you.

Yep, I adore you. As I was telling your Auntie Rebecca yesterday, it's so nice to know that someone needs you so very much and looks up to you as your are a hero. You are my biggest fan....You think I'm funny, you love to look at me, you sing along with my ridiculous songs, and you fall asleep to my kisses all over your precious, dear face. I can't imagine the day when you won't like me this much. I try not to think about it too much because it makes me a little sad. The other thing that makes me a little sad is that you cannot possibly understand how much I love you. You just won't be able to until you have a child. It gives me a new appreciation for my parents for sure. I love them so much....and so will you little one!

You aren't going to remember all the fun we are having right now. I wish I could let you know that every single thing you do–from giggling to out and out sobbing, from falling asleep to splashing in the tub, from watching you in your bouncy seat to getting you out of your car seat when you are drowsy–every thing you do fills me with a joy I have never known before. I look forward to a life with you and consider myself the luckiest of all people to be your mommy.

You are on the perfect schedule now...I am so proud of my little man. You are so good that you are so predictable almost to the minute! You are my little clockwork baby. You eat and then an hour and a half later almost to the minute you are ready for a nap. If I'm not looking at the time you will get a little fussy at one minute past that time. When I put you down you just drift off to sleep so fast you are usually gone before I can even get out of the room. Of course I have to swaddle you or your arms flail around and wake you up....too cute. So.....you insist on being swaddled tight in your safe little cocoon. You never cry at all. You are definately a "self soother." Boy am I a proud mommy. You usually nap for an hour and a half or two hours and are ready for you next feeding when you wake up and you start all over again. It's been great because no matter where we are, someone's house, or out running around, I can put you on someone's bed, or pull the shade over your car seat, and off to la la land you go. You are such an adapting little tooper!!!

By the way my prince, you are deeply in love with your fist. You chew on it all the time these days and are drooling like a leaky faucet. My goodness can you get an outfit soaked in a matter of hours! Are you getting teeth at three months old? I think we are way off from that, I hope, but boy can you drool it up!!By the way, your three month birthday is in 5 days! I just can't believe it. I've always heard people say "Enjoy them while you can cause they grow up so fast" but I never knew how true that was. I just want to freeze you right where you are little guy.....I'm scared of you getting bigger cause I just love you so much right now in this stage, but at the same time I just cant WAIT for all the things to come and all the little stages you will go through. You mesmerize me every day and I just can't get enough of you. I love you!!!!!

I guess I've written enough for now...you'll be waking from you nap any minute. I can't wait to hold you....

Love, Mommy