Who I have become

My sweet little guy,

So many thoughts swirl around my mind all throughout the day and night when it comes to you....things I want to say to you... things I want to share with everyone about your development...and just how much I love you. Writing to you has almost become an obsession now. You truly inspire me...and trust me, if I were to be writing about anything else, these pages would be blank and I'd be lucky to get in one entry a month. I honestly don't know how I have enough time to write as much as I do....I don't have the time! But I make it....cause it's for you.... its about you.

So many days I am amazed myself at who have I become. I just could never go back now. You have forever changed me in the best of ways. I'm different in so many senses of the word now that I'm a mom. I have clarity. More responsibility. I see things in order -- in black and white. I'm less worried about the middle, the gray. I know exactly what I need in my life and what I do not.

I seem to look more within myself, I can see exactly what's inside me -- the good, and the bad. And now more than ever I want to fix what is not so great...for you--To be the best example for you that I could possibly be. In one fell swoop my patience has gotten stronger, my indurance greater, and the wonder of life has overwhelmed me.

Yet, at the same time, the me I've become is even much more than all of that. I'm growing...I'm enlightened.... I'm realizing even more how much God loves us. He compares His love to that of a parent, and if that is truly how He feels about me....why have I resisted so many times in my life to let Him be in control OF my life?. Don't ever make that mistake Caden....Learn to lean on Him cause He loves you more than I even do! Is that possible? :)

I can see now that I've made mistakes, that I've pushed for things that were bad decisions, and that now it's time to right the wrongs.

I used to think it was funny when people would speak a few "not so good words" in my presence but now I feel like I would want to hurt them if they even thought about saying a bad word in front of you. :)

I used to care so much about my outer appearance, making sure every hair was smoothed down, makeup was on perfectly, clothes had no wrinkles..Now, all I care about is that YOUR hair is perfect, your skin has been lotioned up and smelling sweet, and your clothes are coordinated perfectly. I could care less about the perfection of myself now. I feel beautiful because I have you!! Now don't get me wrong...never will I be that "mom" that will let herself go and not care about what she looks like, I could never do that, but I don't freak out if I'm missing some makeup or my hair is not quite perfect. You still think I'm amazing, so who cares about what anyone else thinks?


The core of me is still the same. I'm still an adventurous, fun-loving goofball who can shed a tear at anything beautiful, but I'm different now too. By that, I mean, I'm strict with my time -- what I read, who I converse with, where I spend my money and how I spend my evenings and weekends.

I'm different.

I'm a mom now. And it's the greatest adventure I'm embarked on yet....

I love you my little guy!!

Love, Mom