Games Anyone?

Those Baby weekly emails that you sign up for when you are pregant, to help you know what to expect from pregnancy to beyond, have gone from mildly helpful to flat-out inbox pollution. They ran out of things to say about my child's development around week 32, and now I'm getting emails that are like, Today your baby is doing some stuff. Actually, he may or not be doing that stuff because all babies develop at different rates, but while we've got your attention, please click on this link to our store and buy something.

It's hard to believe that their writers can't think of one thing to say about a one year-old besides "you'll love seeing your child's growing sociability." Oh really? I'll love it? Thanks for the tip, because before you mentioned it, I was sort of expecting to keep him locked in his room with only stuffed animals as his friends.

I get especially annoyed by the emails suggesting games you can play with your child. (Peekaboo? Genius!) They are rarely based on any sort of reality, at least as far as I can tell. Or maybe my son is the only one who's not interested in "crawling over sofa pillows" for fun.

You want to know what games your one year-old really likes to play? You've come to the right place.


Biting Is FUN!
Players: 2-3
Rules: When you come in contact with any skin, BITE as quickly as you can and as HARD as you can!


Put Things In Your Mouth You Can Choke On
Players: 2
Game Pieces: Dice, pennies, ticket stubs, dog food, game pieces, paper clips.
Rules: Mommy goes and does something like wash dishes or return emails. While her back is turned, you put something in your mouth from the dirty floor. She has to find out what it is before time runs out. Fun, Fun!


Poke the Dog’s Eyeballs Out
Players: 1 human, 1 or 2 trusting canines
Rules: When the dog comes to drop the ball for you to throw, grab her in the eyeball and the lips as hard as your death grib will allow you. If you can hold on longer than 30 seconds, you win.

The Water Game
Players: 2
Game Pieces: Cup of water
Rule: Point towards a cup of water. Take a big sip. Then spit it at the adult who gave it to you. Repeat.


Shrieking
Players: The more the merrier
Rules: Go with your mommy to a restaurant, preferably a small quiet one. Just as the food arrives, shriek as loud as you can. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.


I Like To Put My Fingers in My Poo
Players: 2
Rules: While your diaper is being changed, reach down and stick your fingers in your own excrement. Then, make sure to touch everything around you as fast as you can.


Toss Overboard
Players: 1
Rules: When mommy is trying to do anything other than paying you complete attention, find anything you can put your hands on and throw it over the railing to the wood floor below. Extra points if it breaks.

Hide And Seek (New Version)
Players: 1
Rules: When mommy isn't looking, hide her cell phone, TV Remote and various other needed items and then make mommy go on a wild goose chase while you follow her around looking clueless.

What are the games you've played with your one year-old? Let's have 'em. I smell a six-figure publishing deal with your name in the acknowledgments...