For the LOVE OF GOD!!! :)

Hello my little stinker,

Can I say ATTITUDE? :) Ok.... for the FIRST time, you have frustrated me just a teensy, weensy, minuscule, little iota of a bit. And you are obviously frustrated as well.... It all comes down to "feeding time." It has definitely gotten harder and harder with you....to the point of ridiculousness at times....:) It pretty much makes me want to laugh right now thinking about how goofy you are, but in the moment it can be pretty frustrating. I just want you to eat!! Instead, you struggle with me, spit the food all over, laugh, whine, grab the spoon every opportunity you can, wipe food everywhere and just make feeding you as difficult as possible. Could you just please help me out a little buddy? You're always such a little angel, but lately, during feeding time, you've definitely acquired a little "attitude!!!!" Don't be thinking that you are always going to get away with this attitude! I don't THINK so!!! Not happening.... :)



Other than that, everything else is going just great....you are sitting up on your own for longer and longer periods...today was almost 5 minutes all on your own!! As long as you aren't trying to reach something too far away, thus causing you to fall to one side or the other, you pretty much stay intact fairly well! What a neat thing to see!! I get so excited to see you just hanging out there on your own. I can't believe it.....gosh you are growing so fast.

A few days ago we went to Belle Meade Park with your Aunt Erica and the pups and took a nice walk and just hung out enjoying the beautiful day. Have I mentioned how much I am just loving this weather?? Of course we took lots of pictures of YOU! Afterwards we went to Green Hills to walk around a new shopping area and to eat at Pei Wei, a take out place owned by PF Changs that has pretty much the same food at half the price. YUMMY, YUMMY! It was a truly delightful day....especially since we got to be with your Aunt EKIKA! :) We just love her so much..... :)



















Anyway, I love you....Even though you're being a difficult eater, you are still perfect to me..... Just try to take it a little easier on me ok??

Love, Mommy

Random Things About Your Mommy

Hi Punkin!

I stumbled across one of these "About Me" Lists. I've always thought they were a little corny, and took forever to fill out, so I only did them once in awhile, but I also thought they were kinda neat for getting to know random things about someone that you wouldn't particularly know otherwise. So....I'm filling one out... Maybe you'll learn a little something about me that you might find interesting. Who knows, maybe we'll end up having a lot of the same likes and dislikes! So....here goes your corny mom!

1. FIRST NAME? Tiffany

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, my mom was actually going to name me Tamara right up until the end when she heard my name and loved it....so...Tamara became Tiffany!

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Oh gosh, do I really have to answer that? A few days ago. I was having one of those overwhelming weeks where everything went wrong... broke my camera, dropped my phone in the toilet, car battery went dead and I had to get a locksmith to get my keys out of my car cause were locked inside since I have the "keyless entry." Left my phone charger at my mom's house, my car charger stopped working, so I had no cell phone AGAIN... I'll stop there, but can you see why I cried? I swear, when it rains it pours...

4. WHAT DID YOU LAST LAUGH AT? Caden screaming laughing while I was on the phone with a client. (She was laughing too...)

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Hmmm...I guess turkey. Although I really like pastrami too! :)

6. KIDS? The best one EVER!!!! Caden Alexander!

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Uh YES!!! Never a dull moment baby!! :)

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes I do....online and on paper. (Where do I find the time I say again? )

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? NO....NEVER!!! Hehehehe :)

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope! Those suckers are gone!!

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Um.......mixed emotions about that one. I'm more inclined to sky dive (which I have done already) than to bungee. I just don't really trust those things. It's not about the height issue or being afraid....just the trust of those contraptions.

12.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Oh Man!!! I'm supposed to choose?? How am I supposed to do that? I LOVE cereal!! And many different kinds! Ok...I'll do top three...which is so hard to do... Always loved Crunch Berries or Captain Crunch since I was a kid even though they scrape the heck out of the top of my mouth. :) Lucky Charms is....mmmm....yummy. Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Frosted Mini Wheats....YUM! Oh gosh, I could go on forever. I better stop. :)

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? Again....why would anything think that I could possibly have a favorite? Can I just say "All of them?" :) Ok...love the candy bar Skor...anything that has chocolate and toffee! I love Skittles and Butterfingers and peanut M&M's. Just candy in general!

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG, MORALLY AND MENTALLY? Sometimes I feel I'm not, cause life can be so difficult and drag you down, but I know that I am. My friends and family remind me of that fact all the time. Thanks guys..... I love you for reminding me of that. :)

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Mint Chocolate Chip. See? I did good! I picked just one! :)

16. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their character.

17. RED OR PINK? Pink

18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My shoulders/arms? I feel like I look too muscular or big.... I'm envious of those women with dainty little shoulders and arms.....I look like incredible hulk woman or something! :)

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My best friend Ian. More than I can even express.

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black Pants and barefoot baby! I hate wearing shoes if I don't have to....

22. THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Scrambled eggs and toast! Right after church.....

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The TV is on to a movie called Crimson Tide....I'm sort of watching the movie while I'm getting things done.

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? If I were a crayon? Who comes up with these questions? Well, hypothetically if I were a crayon I guess I would want to be that periwinkle color. I always liked that color.

25. FAVORITE SMELL? Caden's freshly lotioned up skin.....mmmmm....the best smell ever. I also love the smell of rain, suntan lotion and dryer sheets.

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My brother Joey! He called to tell me he was coming to Colorado for Christmas this year!!!! I am soooo excited! We haven't seen him for Christmas for about five years, and this will be Caden's first Christmas, so it will be extra special!! Yay!

27. WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU TALKED TO TODAY? Erica....I was calling to make sure she remembered daylight savings time and not to be early to church! :)

28. FAVORITE DRINK? Well, I love Coke. Or should I say I'm a little addicted? I need to usually have at least one a day....that's better than the 12 pack a day I used to drink when I was performing in Branson!! So coke is a necessity....and I also love Root Beer!! Strawberry Limeades from Sonic are a definite favorite along with the Red Wine!

29. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Baseball

30. HAIR COLOR? Well, until 2 months ago I was a blonde, but now I am a "brownie!" :)

31. EYE COLOR? Blue..... Thanks mom and dad! :)

32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes....unfortunately....

33. FAVORITE FOOD? Yeah RIGHT!!! Definitely can't answer this!! I can count on ONE hand the things I DONT like. I love everything! LOVE Mexican, Chinese, Italian, Thai......I could go on and on.

34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Scary movies with happy endings....how about that?

35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Fracture with Anthony Hopkins... (love him) I like it alot...

36. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING: Cream colored

37. SUMMER OR WINTER? I like every season for different reasons!! Ok....how about Summer for the most part, but then I need a little winter too??? I love my Colorado trips to get to snow ski and just enjoy the cold??

38. HUGS OR KISSES? BOTH!!!! One without the other would somehow be lacking?

39. FAVORITE DESSERT? Carrot Cake!....and a million others!!

40. DO YOU HAVE PETS? Yes! Two beautiful yellow Labs named "Gabby" and "Max"....I'm excited for when Caden gets bigger...I think "Max" is going to be his best buddy.

41. MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT? Oh gosh, we won't even go there, but let me just say that it was caught on video in front of hundreds of people and I will never live it down for the rest of my life if my friends and family have anything to do with it!! :) I pretty much embarrass myself all the time, but hey, at least I can laugh at myself even harder than others!!

42. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? I just finished The Red Tent and it was awesome...now I'm reading "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.

43. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have one....I use a laptop.

44. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? A Gilmore Girls that I taped earlier, and a CSI.... I kinda half watch things as I do some work and write in my blog. :)

45. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Caden's laugh....Rustling of leaves, whistling wind, rain, thunderstorms, and laughter in general.

46. FAVORITE TYPE OF MUSIC? I am a variety girl....love pretty much everything except RAP and HEAVY METAL. Music is my great love....

47. FARTHEST AWAY YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Ceuta. A spanish province in North Africa. Unless Hawaii is further away?

48. WHEN WERE YOU BORN? April 9th, 1975

49. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Loveland, Colorado

50. DO YOU HAVE BROTHERS OR SISTERS? I have two brothers, two step-brothers and now I have two step-sisters!


Whew!! I do these things WHY?? :) I hope you don't think I'm too silly! I can't help it. Your mom is a total goofball, and always will be. I promise your life won't be boring in any way! Anyway.... I'm off to go make you some baby food for the next month or so!! You are sleeping now and will be awake soon so I had better get a head start steaming some of these veggies!! I love you so much!!

Love, Mommy

Time

Time.

Tomorrow melts into yesterday and soon my little Caden will be grown up. He is almost a teenager... He’s turning six months soon. :) I know that the next 12 years will go by way too quickly. Time speeds up exponentially when you have a little one.
So I blog. Not necessarily because any of you are interested in my day, or my beautiful son, or my obscure ramblings. I blog so that I will remember who I was today. I blog so that I will remember every little thing Caden does. It does my soul good. And as I pause to write, it helps me slow down for a moment and treasure my son, my family, my friends, and my day. As stressful and as hard as things can be at times....at the end of the day, that is all that matters, and that is what warms my soul. Go easy on me time......I'm not ready to give these moments up quite yet....

Growing and Growing....

Hey my little man,

My gosh, you are just growing right in front of my eyes....every day I notice different things. How is that possible? Every morning I go and get you out of your crib I SWEAR you are bigger. It is so exciting, but mostly it just chokes me up cause I'm afraid that my time with you is moving too quickly. I don't EVER want it to end. The thing that makes me so sad sometimes is that you aren't going to remember some of the best times of our lives...one of the best times of your mommy's life for sure. Right now, with you. We have SO much fun, and you are SO happy, yet you won't remember it at all, and that makes me sad. Silly I know.... It's been so much fun documenting exactly when in your life you are doing all these silly things. I just adore you and want you to know why. I’ve never known a more endearing individual… Yesterday I was thinking that it is too bad that I have to be your mom because I could so easily be your very dearest friend. (that sounds wrong cause being your mom is my favorite thing in this world, but I hope you know what I mean someday) You are cool and spunky and funny and intense and smart and gorgeous. Hopefully we will figure out our way in this life so that we can successfully navigate the mother/son relationship and come out as wonderful friends on the other side. That would be my wish. So there you go.

Anyway, I captured a few videos with my camera yesterday...one of you eating, (too cute) and one of you flipping over from your back to your stomach, which you do with a vengeance now! I can't KEEP you on your back now! It takes you about 10 seconds and Whala!!!! you are on your stomach. Of course when you knew I was filming you it took you forever to do what I wanted, but eventually it happened.






Ok, it's 1:30 in the morning and I am too exhausted to write anymore. I miss you so much right now I feel like I want to go scoop you up out of your crib and bring you to bed with me just so I can hear you breath and smell your sweet skin. Quit growing so fast.....just take it down a notch will ya? :) I love you

Love, Mommy

Happy Halloween!!!

Hello my little Teddy Bear,

Happy first Halloween!! Although I don't believe in what the holiday stands for, and I don't particularly agree with celebrating any aspect of it..(WE didn't celebrate it growing up) I just wanted to dress you up in something cute and go visit some of our neighbors and friends, so your daddy helped me get you ready, and off we went! It was more of a "social hour" for us.... a reason to wear a cute little outfit and get some free candy for mommy! :) You were sooooooo cute. My gosh, could you GET any cuter? Everyone was going NUTS over you!

We saw the Sheahens.... Cooper and Eli were dressed up as "Thing 1" and "Thing 2" from Dr. Suess. SOOOO CUTE!! Silas was a little ghost, and he was adorable. We saw your Aunt Elisha....She was dressed up as a scary witch, and boy was she scary! You couldn't stop staring at her. I hope you weren't traumatized! :) We got to see Aunt Tracy and Uncle Brian, and Brian's parents, and lots of other neighbors. It was a beautiful night to walk around...but boy did you get HEAVY! It was a mistake for us to carry you. You are a back-breaker! Quit growing up so fast!!













We had left the house at 6:30 when it got dark and I thought for SURE with all the excitement and wonder, that you would stay awake a little longer instead of the 7:00 bedtime, but NO! You are like my little time clock. When it's time, it's time! I stretched you out to about 7:30, but they you were SO over it.... You are too cute. You love to sleep!! Just like your mommy! :) So, we rushed you home so we could take pictures of you surrounded by all the candy that mommy gets to eat! Thanks little buddy! Maybe next year! I have a picture of me when I was little sitting around my candy too....I'll show it to you.






All in all it was a pleasant evening, and I was just captivated by your cuteness all over again. You are precious and I love you with my life.

Love, Mommy

Our Hilarie Reunion!!

Hi baby,

First of all, how is it possible for you fingernails to grow so fast? Geez!! I just don't understand it..... ok, that's all. :) ANYWAY... we got back from our Mexico trip last Monday evening, (or Tuesday morning should I say) at 12:30am. I was sooooo exhausted. It's not easy hauling car seat, stroller, diaper bag, luggage and YOU through airports, on airplanes, and taxis! At least I had help this time.....and I think I've pretty much got a system down now so it really isn't too bad. You of course make it wonderful. So.....after our whirlwind weekend, we got back super late and I made it to bed by 1:30am and was up with the alarm by 5:30 to grab you and get in the car to make the SIX hour trip to your Nana and Poppa's! My gosh, am I crazy???? There is no stopping for us! :)

This trip was a special one though cause we were going to see my childhood friend Hilarie and her mom Glorie! We lost touch with each other for awhile but we have been talking so much since we've been pregnant and had babies and she has become a dear friend to me. Hilarie lives in West Virginia, and they were making the drive at the same time to meet at my mom's house for a little reunion! Her little guy, Brendan, is only two months younger than you so it has been fun sharing our stories. I was so excited to see her again and to meet her little man!! We've exchanged so many pictures and finally we were going to be able to hold each other's babies!

So....after loading you up, and the 10 week old puppy, Annie, we headed out. All went well, except for a little bit of howling on Annie's part, and we made it there after a beautiful drive. My gosh I love the fall....I was just mesmerized by the changing trees...vibrant reds, oranges and yellows. The drive went by so quickly and you were an angel. I think you were just as amazed as I was. You stared out the window a good part of the trip when you weren't sleeping. Thank you God for painting such a beautiful picture for us to enjoy on our trip! :)

It was so wonderful to see Hilarie and her mom. Her baby Brendan is such a cutie....so precious. He was so much lighter than you! I can't believe you were ever that little...you are growing so fast. It was such a quick trip but we just hung out talking, playing with each other's babies, and telling them about some of our geocaching adventures. They had never heard of geocaching, and Hilarie was so excited to try it, so the next day we went for a walk downtown and found a few caches along the way! It was a lot of fun just spending time with them, eating Crab Rangoons on Main Street at a little chinese place, walking through a few stores and trying hats on and searching for those darn caches. :) They could only stay a short time, but we got a lot of fun in! We didn't take near enough pictures, but we had lots of laughs! You kept wanting to grab Brendan's face...too cute. Next time you both will be even more active. I'm glad that you guys will be able to be little buddies. What fun will be had!!












We stayed an extra day just hanging out with mom and Chuck and the new puppy Annie. Nana took care of you one morning so I could sleep an extra hour or so, and she gave you a bath, and played with you all morning. You got your "nana time" in for sure! She is so amazing with you, and you are crazy about her. Your nana and I played a bunch of Boggle while you were taking your naps. Boggle is a game where you shake up a bunch of letters and they fall in a grid and you have to make as many words as possible from the cubes that are touching without using the same letter twice. I swear I am pretty darn smart, but every time I play that game with her I wonder why I subject myself to such torture. Same thing when I play Scrabble or Speed with here...She ALWAYS beats me!! We're always pretty neck and neck (except for Boggle where she slaughters me) but she always wins! She is the only person that does that. Anyone else I play with, I'm used to being the one who wins, but with her...OH NO!! Gosh it makes me mad! :) But then I just want more....cause I'm determined to beat her! We have fun with it... and of course every time I'm with your Nana and Poppa we play lots of Canasta at night. It's a fun card game that I can only play with them, as no one else I know knows how to play it, so we play every night....and sometimes I win!! Yay!! :)

Anyway...we had a fun, quick trip and it was great to see good friends again. You are so amazing my little one and I just think you are the cutest thing that ever was. Thank you for making my life so much more fulfilling.

Love, Mommy

VIVA MEXICO!!!

Hola little man... How many six month olds can say that they have been to 6 different states AND another country? You are my little world traveler!! AND....next month you will be in Minnesota, North Dakota AND Canada!! WHew!!! How well adjusted to all of it you are too..... Have I mentioned how proud I am of you? You are just amazing....and quite the trooper amidst all the madness! You handle it much better than you mommy even does! :)

So we made the trek down to Ixtapa, Mexico last weekend to visit your Grandparents there for the very first time. They were dying to meet you now for quite some time, so your daddy and I picked a weekend and we took you to the gorgeous, pacific Ixtapa. We went to a resort that we have stayed in before....a gorgeous all-inclusive place that is just breathtaking. It was a great meeting place as your grandparents live in Central Mexico in a place called Celaya.

I wish I would have videoed your grandparents seeing you for the very first time. It was a sweet, tender moment that brought tears to my eyes to see the tears in THEIR eyes with the emotions they were feeling. They couldn't get enough of you, and they were both filled with happiness in being able to touch you and kiss you. They never wanted to put you down the whole trip and just showered you with so much attention and love. It was a beautiful thing to see....and sad at the same time... but it made going there all worth the trip. I'm glad that I could give the gift of YOU to them for those two and a half days. I think they will cherish those moments forever.






We spent alot of time at the pool....one day you were in the water for hours! You just LOVE the water....I tell ya....bathtime used to be the coolest, now it's pooltime!! You look so cute in your little floaty and you just splash and laugh away! I swear, you just smile with your whole body.... It is my favorite sight to see!! We dipped your toes in the ocean, and you were mesmerized by the waves. I hope you love the ocean as much as I do munchkin.... When it was naptime I would just get you naked and lay you down on a beach towel on the beach chair and you would just head off to la la land, happy to be naked for so long... :)(Forgive me for the picture, but it was just too cute not to share) You did so well with your schedule even amidst people, and pools, and hot weather. No crying here! :) Gosh I'm proud.....Have I mentioned that before?



So...all in all, Mexico was a great big success, and that place will never be the same after being graced with your lovely presence! :) Ha! Your grandparents are in awe of you and you even got a little mini baby tan! I promise that we will go back to Mexico again my little one. Everyone needs a "Mexico" fix from time to time.....it is always a pleasure! So.....thanks for being a wonderful traveler little one. I love you so much...or should I say.... TE AMO!!!

Love, Mommy

WHY must you sleep like that???

Ok little man....

We need to have a talk about your SLEEPING STYLE!! Ok, so we've established that you are the perfect sleeper. Every night you snooze a good solid 12-13 hours.....can't ask for more than that! It's the WAY you INSIST upon sleeping. You are an "under the cover" sleeper. You love to have a blanket OVER your face. Talk about FREAKING me out!!! I've tried everything.....not putting a blanket around you head like you prefer....only one blanket low on you....no blankets at all....
and nothing works. If I do these things, you toss and turn until I put that soft blanket in the crib and you are asleep within 2 seconds. And then....the next time I come check on you, you are nowhere to be found, cause the whole blanket is OVER your face. GOD that scares me. It is part of the reason that I check on you a million times while you are sleeping, besides the fact that I just plain miss you. :) I'm just so scared you are going to suffocate or something. I swear, I'm scared everytime I go in there of what I will find. I'm not sure what to do.....It's just the way you like to sleep! How can you breath under there? Your mommy is sooooo the opposite. I need fresh, new air to breathe!! :) I couldn't do what you do!!

So, not sure how to solve this.....I remember your Uncle Joey being the same way when he was little though. I never knew how he could do that breath under all those covers! Well, I'm trying not to freak out too much about it, but it's a scary thing to have you all covered up like that! I hope you get over this "phase." Please?? I'm gonna go check you now.....I'm sure I know what I will find!!!

I love you my little crazy sleeper...

Love, Mommy

SIX months already?????

Dear Caden,

Today you turned six months old!!! I can hardly believe that you are half a year old! How is it possible that time has gone by this quickly? Just six months ago I hadn't even met you yet....hadn't even kissed your perfect face, gazed into your beautiful eyes or touched your perfect skin. I didn't know what to expect....my life was about to change more than I ever could have imagined. I just didn't know how wonderful it really would be! I can't even begin to tell you how much I have enjoyed every second I have spent with you.....every kiss, every cuddle, every smile that illuminates from your perfect little face. If I ever thought I knew what love was, I was wrong. You have made that more than evident to me. You have my heart wrapped around your little finger, and there it will always be.

I feel as if we've time traveled these last six months, and watching you evolve more into a little boy has made me laugh out loud on a surprising number of occasions. You are so funny....I love celebrating the millions of small steps you take everyday toward larger milestones, with millions of kisses and hugs! You find everything fascinating: a button on a shirt; an earring in my ear; one of my hairs caught in your hand instantly becomes something that interests me too, and really, when is the last time that I cared that much about anyone else, that I’d sit quietly alongside them, just waiting for a smile or a round-eyed curious look? Never.

You make friends for us everywhere we go.... People gather around telling me how gorgeous you are, admiring your curly hair and your long eyelashes. They always say that you belong on a magazine cover or in commercials. You are a beautiful baby.

Your days go pretty much like this.... You wake up a few minutes before 7 in the morning, and I know you are awake by the babbling that comes from your room. You always wake up sooooo happy and when I come into your room you are ecstatic to see my face. You will even squeal or laugh and flail your arms when you see me. I love that moment. You make waking up so pleasant. I bring you to bed with me to feed you while I wake up a little more and you just slurp away, happy to watch the fan spinning above us..... We then get up, get you dressed and play for an hour or so and then I take you downstairs for your "other" breakfast! I usually mix up some oatmeal and bananas and you chow down! You love your breakfast time!! By 9:30 you are ready to crash again and you typically sleep an hour and a half while mommy gets to do some work or some cleaning.

You typically take a bottle every 3 hours or so and take about 2 other one hour naps throughout the day. We do a whole lot of playing and learning during your awake time....singing, reading, talking, tummy time, touching new surfaces, and lots of cuddles and kisses!! You love jumping in your little Johnny Jumper, and spend about an hour a day jumping to your heart's content. I'm trying to force you to do some more "tummy time" which is something you have always hated, but is so important, especially now. Most of the time, the living room floor carpet is covered by a big blanket and that is covered by your toys. Your toys as of now consist of your puppy "Orrie" (named after Oregon where we went to visit your aunt and uncle), your monkey "George," your little frog, your rattles, your little cloth book and your chain of linkies.

Around 6pm I feed you some veggies....whether it be sweet potatoes, mixed vegetables, carrots or squash. Sometime around 6:30 I draw the water and we take our evening bath together. Boy do you love that! I think it's your favorite time of the day. I then lotion you up, put your jammies on and it is nighty nighty time!!! I put you in your crib and you go fast asleep.....never ever do you cry. It's amazing. I love you so much....

We took you to your pediatrician today.....I was so anxious to see how big you have gotten. You weigh 18 pounds and 13 ounces, and you are 27 inches tall!! You are tall for your age, in the 75th percentile, but your weight matches right up, so you are perfect! She gave you 100% on everything!!! At the end of our visit, you got three shots, and you cried as if your heart were breaking. When you got the second shot, you cried so hard that you made no sound, and when you finally did make a sound, it was so loud and full of pain that it tore at my heart, too. I was holding your arms so you couldn't get in the way of the needles, and I leaned over you and kissed your head and told you, over and over, that I loved you, and that it would be ok. As soon as I picked you up you were ok...thank God....up onto your hands and knees. You do little stomach crunches when you are lying on

You are healthy and strong and happy. You sit up by yourself for long periods of time. You roll over from your back onto your tummy, and you push yourself up on your hands. You are always trying to do stomach crunches when you are on your back - you are straining to sit up to see what's going on. You grab at everything - nothing that is within two feet of you that isn't nailed down is safe - and you put everything that you successfully grab into your mouth. You only have a triangular section of hair left on the top of your head, and it is curly....probably the thing you get the most attention for! You still have no teeth, but I think they are coming soon!

You laugh and you squeal and you make gurguling sounds with your throat. You are trying out new noises all the time now - the last few days you have been working on "bbbbbb." You love the sound of your own voice......

You are starting to become ticklish under your armpits and all over your belly. You didn't used to be....but it is apparant now that you find it quite humorous!! :)

I tell you this every day a million times, but I will tell you again now.... I love you, I love you, I love you. I will always love you. You are six months old and that is how it is and this is how I feel.....Your smile will always make me happy beyond words and you are beautiful, wonderful, amazing and perfect.

One last thing....you tap my back too, as you look behind us, around my arm or over my shoulder when I hold or wear you. It feels like home to have you wrapped up close to me, comfortable and content, tapping away absently as you observe all that passes by, whipping your head this way and that as you pull yourself up a bit in excitement, by digging your fingers in my face or grasping my collarbone. I hope that you carry those feelings of being wrapped in love and protection with you always, that enable you to confidently observe everything with unblinking curiosity. As the world continues to happen around you quickly as it does, I hope you keep your childish curiosity and the abilitly to appreciate and consider everything that touches you, even the simple and commonly overlooked things in life; they may lead you to hidden treasures. When you embark on those journeys of discovery, I’ll be walking right along side you in spirit, loving you all the way. Happy six month birthday!!! I love you....

Love, Mommy

The Most Loved Baby...and The Best Friends

Hello my little one,

It's been a CRAZY week.... I had to show property almost EVERY day this week, so that meant alot of not being with you....NOT FUN. I've missed you so much. You got to play with alot of wonderful people though!! You just have no idea right now how many people are absolutely NUTS about you. You just wouldn't believe the love and attention that you get...even from perfect strangers!! Your Aunt Erika and Aunt Dana and Aunt Tracy got to watch you this week. They love you so darn much!!! Your Aunt Missy is just enthralled with you.....she can't get enough! All of us are so addicted it's ridiculous..... :) How can one little man wrap so many of us around his little finger like you do? Whatever you've done, you've done it, and I am completely and forever in love with you.

I'm so glad that you will get to grow up with my wonderful friends around you. I am so very blessed with the best of friends a girl could ask for, and I know that their love and influence will help shape who you are in such a wonderful way. I'm so thankful and excited for that. I never imagined in my lifetime that I would feel so excited about my friendships. Girls have a hard time finding really great girlfriends and I feel like I have hit the jackpot in that area. I have SO many friends that I would consider my very best friends. Not many people can say that. I truly, truly have been blessed, and we have soooo much together. Although I have no sisters or sisters-in-laws yet, you will have LOTS and LOTS of aunts doting on you!!

I want you to know a little something about each person that I consider a very dear friend...... You will come to know these things as well, and love them too, but I just wanted to share a little of my bestest girls....Hmm....where to start....no particular order....

Heather Moore.... I'll start with the "Heiferonies" as I call her. I haven't seen her in awhile so I've been missing her. You are going to have lots of fun adventures with Heather! She is a funny, quirky, extremely talented, silly and adventurous girl who will probably get you in trouble somehow....(although I've threatened her life if she does!) She won't mind playing in the mud with you or taking you for a ride on her motorcycle...if I let her....which I probably wont! :) She is the sweetest, down to earth girl and an amazing friend who sticks closer than a brother. I love her dearly...Anyway, she adores you and I can't wait for you to know her more. She will make you laugh til your sides hurt!

Erica Alexander..... Oh my little Erica.... How I love her so... :) She is a goofy goofball who has everyone rolling all the time. She makes me laugh uncontrollably and is as sweet as they come. She always has stories of her adventures and just absolutely is one of a kind. She is an amazing singer, and you wait.....will be a star someday!! She loves you so much......she acts like a total idiot when she is around you just like your mommy! You think she is hilarious. We can't help being goofballs to make you smile. I'm so glad that she is in your life. I love her so much.

Dana Poulson.....is the best! :) She is so charming and full of life. She is a smart, spiritual and in-tune person that always has great advice and insight on the world. She knows all the herbal remedies and cures for anything! She is a fun, fun person to be around and one you love already! We all love Dana....she definitely adds life to any party! She is one of a kind and I love her like crazy!!

Rebecca Helwig......my fairly new and amazing friend! Gosh I love her....She is so sweet and so darn funny....Definitely a hoot to be around. She is so thoughtful and is always thinking of others. She just jumps right in and is a trooper with anything! She is absolutely beautiful inside and out...and has a body we are all envious of! Hehehehe.... She is absolulely in awe of your cuteness and goodness most of all. She brags on you all the time...and when she has a baby she wants him or her to be JUST like you! :) I love our Rebecca.....and so do you...

Kim Silvestri....My favorite Canadian friend... :( I'm so sad that she has moved so far away from me. It has definitely been hard on me!!! I just love her so very much, and it just broke my heart when she left. We still talk alot, though not as much as I would like, and I always love our conversations! Kim is just the sweetest girl you will ever meet, quiet and meek, yet so full of fun and spontenaity. She can be fiesty and I love it! :) She loves to read like me, and she is just a smart woman. She is great mom and she thinks you are the cutest! She got to meet you once when you were a few months old, and I can't wait for you to meet her again. Someday we will go visit her in Canada. Most definitely. I miss my friend....


Amy Hale....My oldest friend ever! We grew up together and you haven't met her yet but she is the sweetest girl ever! She is someone you will just be comfortable around...she is very easy going. She is probably my most GORGEOUS friend....and I have gorgeous friends!...and she is definitely the most stylish! This girl has class galore.... My little miss PHD....I'm so proud of her. You will learn lots from Amy just being around her! I can't wait for you to meet her. You will love her as dearly as I do!!

Erica Sandlin... My new wonderful, quirky, funny friend!! I just met her a few months ago when we both started working for this Real Estate Team, and she is the best!! I just love her to death. She is sooo hilarious, and so fun, and full of energy galore! She is a radio personality in Mississippi so she is a total hoot. And sweet as well!! I have really enjoyed getting to know her and adding her to my group of girls I love so much. With these girls around you all the time you won't ever stop laughing little man!

Tracy Spradlin....Loves you sooooo much!! She is always wanting to watch you, and her and her husband talk about you all the time. How sweet is that??? She even has dreams of you! She has a teenager so she's been through the "baby stage" before, but they are wanting to try for a baby again, so hopefully we can get you another playmate! :) She is a sweet, sweet girl, always offering to help any way that she can with you. What a caring spirit.... I'm so glad you get to know her! I just think she is a huge sweetheart and I love her dearly.

Hilarie Keeney.... (Still Hilarie Magrum to me... :) ) We are going to see her soon and I am so excited for you to meet her and her little guy Brendan! He is only two months younger than you and will be a great buddy for you! Hilarie is also one of my oldest friends....we grew up homeschooling together and had many fun adventures!! I lost track of her for many years and just recently have connected again and I couldn't be more thrilled! We have had so much fun sharing our pregnancies and births together....and talking about both of you! It's definitely our favorite subject!! She is sooooo excited to meet you and you will absolutely love her. She is a sweet, sweet girl full of life that I am excited to know again too!!!

Missy Newton....LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES YOU!!!!!! Boy, she is just crazy about her little man! She has watched you probably more than anyone else, and I always feel completely comfortable when you are with her. She is a pro! And a good friend. Very thoughtful and wise. I am glad that you will grow up around her.

Ok, so I could go on and on forever about all my friends....there are many more that I am not mentioning that I love so very dearly and so will you....I'll have to mention them at a later time. I just wanted to tell you a little bit about some of my dear friends, and let you know the importance of surrounding yourself with good friends and good people. It makes all the difference in the world. You will become like the friends around you my son, so make sure that they are worth it, and that they give back something that makes you a better person. I know all my friends do, and I consider myself the luckiest woman on earth to have the love of my freinds. I am sooooo blessed. With all these woman around you, you have no choice but to be the best gentleman around! If not, you will have lots of "aunts" to contend with!!

This blog is turning out to be a long one....whew!....but I've gone a few days without writing so I'm making up for it now. In development news, you are soooo close to being able to sit up on your own. You can now sit for 30 seconds at a time on your own, but then you start leeeeeeeaning to one side or the other. It's so cute!!! It won't be long now and you will be an official sitter!!! I'm excited for that. You just don't seem to like being on your back so much cause you want to see the world! Also....you are a little kisser!! You love to give kisses now.... Your idea of a kiss is to open your mouth wide and slobber all over someone's face, preferably the chin. It is hilarious and messy! :) You are making more and more noises, holding a note for 20 seconds at a time. You seem to really get a kick out of your own voice, and to me, it's the sweetest sound I know.

Well, you just woke up, so I'm going to go play with you my precious!! I love you more than life....

Love, Mommy

HELLO People!!

Dear Lurkers,

I’m confused.... I’ve been writing and writing, keeping all of you up to date on my busy life and Caden's development, but besides seeing that many, many numbers of people visit my site very often,some days up to 95, no one comments. Not ONE comment since July? That makes my heart hurt a little. :( Although I am writing this blog out in a journal for Caden to keep one day, I really started this ONLINE for everyone to take part in his development as well.....to be able to add your comments to his book maybe, to show that you took part in it all!

Lurkers, it’s time to step out of the cyber-world! Who are you? Why do you read this blog? Is this your first time here, or do you regularly come back? How did you find me? What’s your story?
This includes you, family of mine.

Sincerely,

Comment Deprived Blogger Mom

My Favorite Time of Year

Fall is FINALLY here! Last night I walked outside and it was CHILLY!! It had that "feel" in the air! Oh my gosh, I was sooooo excited. I just wanted to run down the street spreading the great news that summer was finally gone and that fall has officially come! I've been so ready for it this year. It seems that this summer was unbearably hot and I've just been anticipating the "change". Fall is my favorite season. The weather is just so perfect...not too hot and not too cold. At night you need a light sweater or jacket...LOVE THAT! The leaves turn colors and the mosquito's go away. The camping trips are just around the corner with fires, and smores, and good friends. I love seeing pumpkins, squash and scarecrows on people' s front porches and yards. I love the yummy food of fall.... chili, cornbread and pumpkin pie. I love the smell of fall and the feel of fall. I love decorating my house with all my fall colors and a few Halloween favorites. I just love the knowledge that the holidays are just around the corner. This has got to be my ALL time favorite time. :)


The colors of fall are so beautiful.....I just love going for drives this time of year just to soak in all the beauty. I truly feel thankful of our earth more during this time than any other... well, unless I'm on top of the mountains in Colorado skiing......that's a big toss up!! :) I also love that soft and comfty sweaters are just around the corner. I love wearing winter clothes. When it starts to get darker or dreary, or it starts to rain, it makes me want to curl up on my comfy couch with a cup of Chai Tea or Hot Chocolate and read a good book. Which brings up memories of me when I was little and the books I remember reading.

I used to love reading Grace Livingston Hill books, my favorite... I must have read a hundred of them. Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, The Emily of Blue Moon series, Anne of Green Gables, The Black Stallion, Where the Red Fern Grows, The Yearling, and Robin Cook. I read as many books as I could get my hands on. I miss that....being able to read so much. I'm lucky if I get in one book a month. My favorite friend Kim in Canada encourages me to keep up with her on books, but I never can....I miss it. Oh well, I feel at times that I am writing my own book now with all my life happenings and the new-found joy of my son. What better thing to read than that? :) I hope everyone can experience something in their "fall" that makes them feel renewed and refreshed with what is to come.....

Overwhelmed = No Inspiration

I have no inspiration today. My brain is fried and I am overwhelmed. I just started two separate blogs, saved them both, and then deleted them. They were uninspired, boring and useless. Kind of like this post.
I don’t even have a cute picture to post in lieu of my clever writing.
Some days, I guess, are just normal days, with normal events, and that’s okay.
Or maybe i’m just pretending the day has been normal because i don’t feel like facing any of it. Yes, that’s probably more likely. So forgive me the blahness of this post....


I regularly respond to the concerned inquiries of my friends and family with “Yes, I’m fine. I’m great. I’m happy.” And I am..... surprisingly so. Is it possible that amongst some of my heartwrench and uncerainty that I could possibly be this resiliant, this strong?

And then something will happen, an every day occurance, or more often, a night I stay up too late,like tonight,and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I let it, my fear swallows me and drags me down like quicksand. I feel panicked over how I'm going to do all this....how I'm going to raise him right....how I'm going to financially provide for Caden and yet spend as much time with him as possible. I don't want him in daycare. Can't do it..... So how do I do it? I know that it will be ok....I feel it will be ok, and that is why I'm ok.... but sometimes I just need to cry....and I haven't for a long time. I did that tonight....Cried in fear...cried for the companionship of someone knowing and understanding. It is quite odd to be living with such delighted happiness and such profound sadness all at the same time.

I'm just a little overwhelmed right now....Work is soooo busy and I must leave my love behind...My responsibilities are overwhelming, though I'm not complaining.... Feed the dogs, feed the puppies, feed Caden, clean the house, take out the trash, mow the grass, take out the garbage, make the bed, do laundry, feed Caden, feed myself, dress Caden, clean some more, and then try to do some work in between all of this when he is sleeping..... Whew! Although I do get some help it still is a FULL TIME JOB with overtime! :) Today it just all caught up....I felt choked....

But!! Tomorrow is a better day, and in thinking that, I already feel better. I refuse to feel this way two days in a row, so I'm going to do something exciting and something fun......a big part of that exciting will just be making my perfect, amazing son smile..... God....I'm smiling already just thinking of him. I'm going to go look at him now.... Good night!!

Raspberry KING!

Hello my sweetest!!

So today it's as if the "light went on" when it came to blowing raspberries.....That's all you seemed to do today. Over and over and over. You had me rolling.....Bblblblblblblblblblbllbbllb.......... holding it for 20 seconds at times and projectile spitting on whatever was in the vicinity, which usually seemed to be ME! You were LOVING it! You've done it on occasion before, but today it was if you "Mastered the Art" and didn't want to stop for fear you would forget!

The funniest thing EVER happened just now before I hopped online to write this. I went to check on you (like I do 20 times a night....I can't seem to stay away!) and your blanket wasn't covering you, so I tried pulling the blanket out from under you a little bit, which kinda made you move around slightly, and there you went blowing raspberries again! In your sleep! With your eyes closed!!! I had to run out of the room I was laughing so hard. It was hilarious and just so shocking! I SO was not expecting that!

What a complete and precious doll you are. I just crave each new day for all the new things that I know are right around the corner. You entertain me thoroughly. You are going to be sitting soon....You can already sit for 10 seconds at a time without falling over. You are getting stronger and stronger! I'm tired, and I already can't wait for tomorrow. I have to leave you for a good part of the day to show property and I'm already sad. This week is going to be rough for me. I'm so busy and I have 4 different clients in town and work every day but Tuesday. We are going to have to do something extra special that day. I love you, I love you, I love you. You still have me laughing my little raspberry King!!!!!

Love, Mommy

Sexy Again

Ok, I've always, ALWAYS said that I would "SO not be that woman who doesn't do her hair or makeup when she has a baby. I will still care very much about how I look!" Uh..... Ok, so maybe I didn't completely understand the reasons why. Seriously, what is it about having babies and us becoming blah? Is it because we are so tired that even so much as combing our hair seems like too much energy? I swore I would still fix my hair every day. That was five months, two weeks and 1 day ago. You know how many times I've REALLY fixed it? Uh....maybe twice. I seem to be the "pony tail girl" all the time now. That, and Caden is at the age where he will yank every last hair out of my head if I DON'T wear it back. OUCH!!

Why bother is what I usually think? Half the time I'm staying home most the day to work, and play with my son, so this is the conversation that goes through my mind..."Do I really need to shower today? Is it worth the energy and time? Did I shower yesterday? I don't remember.... ) :) Hehehehe... If I'm not going out in public, the answer is usually no, I don't. Though, I have learned lately that I feel alot better when I do anyway.

These rough-looking Mama days have been hard for me lately. Even though I've never been a HIGH-maintenance girl, I did care what I looked like...I loved dressing up and feeling good about myself.

Since Caden, splurging on silly things like nail polish and fancy hair products, seems irrelevant. Even when I do get a cash surge, which is pretty much NEVER, the money usually needs to go to something else, and that something else wears a size small diaper, eats 2-3 cans of baby food a day, one can of formula a week, a LOTS of baby wipes...sheeesh!!! :)

However, it is TIME...I have hit that point!!! I'm sick of my "blahness!" I feel it’s appropriate now, for my mother-like self, with my shorts & T-shirts, pony-tailed hair and bare face, to De-Frump or De-Slump.

It is time to make a change, to get back to that sexy girl who felt confident when she walked down the street, the one who wore heels even though they hurt and wore lipstick even though it never lasted long.

That's it. I'm bringing sexy back. As soon as that next burst of energy strikes. So look out world cause here I come!! Woo hoo!! :)

My Little Swan Diver!!!

Ok my little man!!!

You SCARED the LIFE out of me yesterday afternoon!!!! How many times do I need to tell you not to take after your Uncle Joey!!! So I prop you up on the sofa between pillows so that I can go out the back door and grab the food bowl to feed the puppies...... I'm away from you for what, 3.5 seconds? I start walking back through the door as I see you leaning forward as if contemplating what it would be like to be on the floor instead....and that is EXACTLY what you did!! I felt as if I was in one of those "slow motion" clips where something is happening and the other person is saying...."Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" as they are trying to stop what is about to come about...... but of course it is always to late. And so was I. Off the couch you went, HEAD first, taking two pillows with you (thank GOD, since it cushioned your fall) and did like a summersault with a twist. I must say, if you were in baby olympic gymnastics you would have gotten a pretty great score for that one! I WAS FREAKING OUT!!!!! I almost got you, I was that close..... and when I came to you, you laid there for a second just looking stunned at what you just accomplished, and then you started crying. I know you didn't hurt yourself, thank God, thank God, thank God.....you just scared yourself. My heart was pounding out through my BRAIN, and I was just as much in shock as you I think. The moment I picked you up you stopped crying, but I feel like I was crying inside for hours later..... You SCARED ME!!! No more couch propping for you! I'm sticking to the floor from here on out. You've finally hit that point of no-return.... :) Thank you for not hurting yourself baby....I would be crying still!! No more stunts like that! God I love you........

Love, Your Mommy

Who I have become

My sweet little guy,

So many thoughts swirl around my mind all throughout the day and night when it comes to you....things I want to say to you... things I want to share with everyone about your development...and just how much I love you. Writing to you has almost become an obsession now. You truly inspire me...and trust me, if I were to be writing about anything else, these pages would be blank and I'd be lucky to get in one entry a month. I honestly don't know how I have enough time to write as much as I do....I don't have the time! But I make it....cause it's for you.... its about you.

So many days I am amazed myself at who have I become. I just could never go back now. You have forever changed me in the best of ways. I'm different in so many senses of the word now that I'm a mom. I have clarity. More responsibility. I see things in order -- in black and white. I'm less worried about the middle, the gray. I know exactly what I need in my life and what I do not.

I seem to look more within myself, I can see exactly what's inside me -- the good, and the bad. And now more than ever I want to fix what is not so great...for you--To be the best example for you that I could possibly be. In one fell swoop my patience has gotten stronger, my indurance greater, and the wonder of life has overwhelmed me.

Yet, at the same time, the me I've become is even much more than all of that. I'm growing...I'm enlightened.... I'm realizing even more how much God loves us. He compares His love to that of a parent, and if that is truly how He feels about me....why have I resisted so many times in my life to let Him be in control OF my life?. Don't ever make that mistake Caden....Learn to lean on Him cause He loves you more than I even do! Is that possible? :)

I can see now that I've made mistakes, that I've pushed for things that were bad decisions, and that now it's time to right the wrongs.

I used to think it was funny when people would speak a few "not so good words" in my presence but now I feel like I would want to hurt them if they even thought about saying a bad word in front of you. :)

I used to care so much about my outer appearance, making sure every hair was smoothed down, makeup was on perfectly, clothes had no wrinkles..Now, all I care about is that YOUR hair is perfect, your skin has been lotioned up and smelling sweet, and your clothes are coordinated perfectly. I could care less about the perfection of myself now. I feel beautiful because I have you!! Now don't get me wrong...never will I be that "mom" that will let herself go and not care about what she looks like, I could never do that, but I don't freak out if I'm missing some makeup or my hair is not quite perfect. You still think I'm amazing, so who cares about what anyone else thinks?


The core of me is still the same. I'm still an adventurous, fun-loving goofball who can shed a tear at anything beautiful, but I'm different now too. By that, I mean, I'm strict with my time -- what I read, who I converse with, where I spend my money and how I spend my evenings and weekends.

I'm different.

I'm a mom now. And it's the greatest adventure I'm embarked on yet....

I love you my little guy!!

Love, Mom

Growing and Learning

Hi my little one,

Have I expressed lately exactly how obsessed I truly am with you, my little favorite person? Each day that I am home with you and get to witness your growth and development is yet another day that makes me marvel at your progress and the personality that you are developing. You are just such a joy....ALWAYS happy and content in any situation. My gosh, I spent 1 hour at the Post Office today, THREE hours at an Auto Shop and you didn't make one peep the whole time. I love when total strangers marvel at your goodness. They don't even know the half of it. Your smile is truly my most favorite sight in the world.....I could have the worst day EVER and one smile from you and it's all ok again. You are just so easy going and I am truly truly thankful. Thank you so much for letting me get my days done, my showers taken, my errands run, my vaccuming done, with the greatest of ease. I love you I love you I love you!!!

You are SO interested now in every thing that crosses your path, and you want to touch and grab EVERYTHING. You are quite coordinated with those precious little hands of yours! It's hilarious how you want the pen I'm writing with, the cell phone I'm talking on, or the spoon I'm eating with. You want to explore everything and not miss a thing. It's precious....

I try to do something.....every week...every day to teach you something new. I want you to be thirsty for knowledge and learning. I want you to be the smartest little man ever! :) We sing so many songs every day and it is so amazing that I will start a song and you get sooooo excited cause you recognize what song it is and what I'm about to do to you with tickles or pokes at certain times in the song. You are so smart already. We read a book every night and I point out all the things in the pictures and you are really starting to take notice and concentrate. I'm so excited for these things to make more and more sense to you. How much fun we will have!! I can't wait to answer all of your million questions that you will have for me. I promise to always take the time to have discussions with you about anything you want.

Well, you are going to wake up soon from your afternoon nap so I will end this for now, but please know that I always can hardly wait to hold you. I love you!

Love, Your Mommy

Who I am??

A great part of my life is sitting right in front of me, in an under-the-bed box that has been shoved away out of sight. My Journals.

Years of torment, self-torture, suffering, and a single young woman lie dormant in one fairly small box.

I pick various books up, read the dates, and start reading the entries. They are full of sadness, with sparkles of the nicest memories my mind can imagine. There is something joyful inside me however whenever I think back to some of my heartbreaks.

But it got me thinking, do I need to relive those memories to move forward? As I read through book after book, I am realize that I have forgotten things that used to haunt my life so very much. How I loved that one boy so much, and how I never truly understood why things went wrong. How sometimes I felt so alone even when I wasn’t. And, of course, there were the mistakes. The dreadful, awful, what was I thinking mistakes. Those are what haunt me the most....still.

I could burn these journals, all of them, light the match and be done with those memories. After all, how many memories have I forgotten because they were never written down? Perhaps the best memories, the most vivid ones, the most important ones of all, are ones that I will automatically remember...the ones that I hold dear to my heart.

Maybe I’m holding on to something by holding on to these journals, which until blogging entered my life were never really given much thought. I knew only that they were glimpses of my past, an easy way to take a stroll back in time, to the times of heartbreak and struggle that brought me to this very place, right at this very moment in my room on the floor.

On one hand, it’s enlightening to be able to see clearly the road that made me who I am today. On the other, I’m already me... do I really need to know how I got here? Nothing will change by re-reading these journals, right?

I can't seem to part with them...they hold such a part of me....even though it's past....it still shares my journey. I'm glad I'm still writing....

Home With You

Hello my precious,

You are sleeping right now and I miss you. I've needed you to get to sleep so that I could get some work done...(I'm SOOO far behind) and now that you are snoozing I just miss you so much I can't concentrate. How am I ever going to get any work done with you around to occupy my mind so darn much? Speaking of work, I have been SO fortunate to not have to be at work 5 days a week missing out on you. I think I would go crazy. I need to be with you...And I cannot imagine it any other way.

Yes, I need more money and I'm stressed constantly about how I'm going to make it from month to month. (that is where a majority of my tears come from...) Yes, I need to find ways to cut expenses on food and diapers and clothes..(thus the reason I sold my nice Infiniti). Yes it scares me death wanting to be able to give you everything, and not knowing how I'm going to do it all, but it is all worth it to me...

I'm the one who gets to be here to watch you grow and learn. I'm the one who gets to love and cuddle on you all day long. I'm the one gives you your milk, your meals, your toys. I'm the one who gets to hear every sweet noise that comes out of your mouth. I'm the one who gets to take you outside under the glorious sun and for lots of fun adventures. I’m not just the one to tuck you in to bed each night and wake you the next day, I get to experience it all. I don't know how I manage, I really shouldn't be at home, but with God's help I do, and I am still here baby....and I will be for as long as that is possible.

Hurry up and wake up.....work can always wait til bedtime right??? I miss you....

Love, Mommy

Heaven's Scent

Caden and I have a ritual. When he awakes in the morning, I go and scoop him up out of his crib and bring him to my bed to feed him. We cuddle while he is happily slurping away, and we usually fall asleep together for another hour or so. When he is so close to me I bury my face in her hair. I inhale. Deeply.....

My son's hair smells sweet and earthy . . .like play. Or, innocence. Or, heaven.

Lord, please, don't let me ever forget that smell.

I Promise...

Hi sweet pea,

You're sound asleep right now and I can't help but creep into your room every half hour or so just to stare at you....You'd think that I would get over that little habit, but you are like an addiction to me. I miss you so much when you are sleeping. I at least need a "fix" one way or the other. :)

I've been thinking about you and all the things that I want to do and be for you and I just wanted to make some promises to you now.

I promise to remember that babies are only toddlers for a little while, and to say "no" less and simply distract you more.

I promise whenever you are cranky and in a funk I will try to imagine what it's like in your little world at that moment. I will remember that you've only been here a few precious days, and it's perfectly reasonable to be awfully, awfully upset at times. Aren't we all?

I promise at least once a day to get down on the floor and be a total idiot with you.

I promise to celebrate your voice and let you hoot like a monkey, shriek like a banshee and be a happy goofball like your mommy. I'll make sure to happily distract you with quiet fun if we're not someplace that would appreciate our crazy songs, but I'll make sure to do it in such a fun way that you really won't mind.

I promise to talk to you a lot, to point out everything in our world and remember how new and exciting it all is.

I promise to read to you everything I can get my hands on, and let your imagination take you to the places in those stories.

I promise to teach you how to be the kind of child and person who people will love to be around. I will have high standards for you, but never too high to attain.

I promise to teach you how to find your own happiness through God so you never need more things, money, or friends to find joy in life.

I promise to always give you time where it's just the two of us.

I promise to be honest with you. I won't sugar-coat the world but I will also always let you know that you have a lot of people who treasure you and they will always help keep you safe. I promise not to forget, when you're old enough, to teach you how to stay safe -- even though I don't want to admit you could ever need it.

I promise to always put a little magic in your life.

I promise that sometimes I'll love you so much it makes me cry, and that no matter how old you are I will still sneak looks at you while you're sleeping, playing and living life. I promise that there will always be people who love you so much it's amazing, and we will be there for you no matter what.

I promise to never stop reading parenting magazines and books, talking to mothers, and listening to my heart so that I grow as a mother.

I promise to realize that you have to make your own mistakes sometimes and it's not my job to protect you so much that you never experience life. I'll do my best to give you room to fall off the jungle gym, date a girl with blue hair or take a year off college. If I have to superglue my lips together, I swear I'll hush and be supportive!

And most of all my little sweet pea, I promise to love you unconditionally and with more strength that I could ever imagine. You are everything to me, and I promise that will never change.

Love, Your Mommy

Bouncing Baby!

You LOVE your new little Jumper!!

A Letter To My Son

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference…
—Robert Frost

Dear Caden Alexander,

When you get big, I hope you’ll keep this letter tucked in your pocket or wallet always, always.

There is bound to be a time in your life when you have to make a big decision...to decide between A and B. This decision will seem like the most monumental thing you’ve ever had to wrap your brain around (it might very well be). Fear not... You may not sleep much and you may even shut down and seek out solitude—no shame in that—you’ve got some figuring out to do. You may stress about making the right decision, worrying about what your family and friends may think, how society will view you based on your personal experiences and the choices you make. You will agonize, my sweet son. Please know that I am always here for you, no matter how hard it may be to come to me, I am here. Most of all, all I can say to you is that the BEST relief from your stress, the BEST comfort from your dilemnas will come from God. Look up to Him and He will guide you in the right direction. Don't ever let that go.

When you do decide to maybe end a relationship, embrace an adventure that other people may not understand, even stick up for the kid on the school bus, you may wonder, "Did I make the right choice?" It may haunt you for some time... after all, there will be people out there with absolutely no association to you or the specific scenario at hand that feel the need to attack you for your choice. Don't let those poeple break you down. Their hate doesn’t matter. The bitterness is coming from a hurt in their own lives. It’s not for you to rationalize. Waste no time feeling like a lesser person. God said that you are fearfully and wonderfully made! I know that the way you will grow up, the love that will be shown to you and the people that will help shape you will turn you into a wonderful man and I trust that you will do your best to make the right decisions. No matter what mistakes or wrong choices you make, God will always take you back and wrap you in His arms, and so will I. When you are feeling down, get on your knees and pray, go do something fun with someone you care about. Write something, paint something, take a spontaneous road trip and laugh the whole way to that random destination, wind on your back, sun on your face. Always have the last word Caden, even it’s just to yourself.

If I could protect you from your first scraped knee, your first broken heart, and your first split second, life changing event or the agony you may feel when having to come to me with a dilemma—the but-how-do-I-tell-Mom thing, I would. But I can’t. My heart has been broken, my world has been paused, my parents have calmed my tears, open-armed. Life seemed impossible at times for me, too. However, I can guarantee you this, sweet boy, it’s not as bad as it seems. In the instance? Oh yes, it’s all very "Life is over, I’ve ruined myself, how will I ever recover from such pain." But, in time, that will dissolve and you’ll find yourself, like Mommy, having something that you thought was a disaster, turn into the greatest blessing of your life... and that taking the road less traveled will have made all the difference. Don't ever stop looking to God for your strenth...Your life will change with every decision that you make, and with Him on your side, life will be a beautiful thing!

I love you with my whole life,

Love, Mom

FIVE MONTHS already???

Hello my PERFECT, PERFECT, PERFECT little boy,

I know I've stated that fact only a million times, but I just can't stop reiterating that fact. Every day I am amazed by you. What on earth could I have ever done to deserve a little one as good as you are? I mean, I have not ONE complaint. I don't think that's normal. You are as perfect as they come. The perfect disposition...(always smiling and happy), the perfect eating habits, the PERFECT sleeping habits...I could just go on and on. I thank God every day for you...and I thank YOU everyday for making my life so much better than I could have ever dreamed it could be. YOU are amazing little munchkin. I love you more than all the chocolate chip cookie dough in the world...:) So!! In great news..... You are FIVE months old!!! I just can't even believe how fast these days are going. Sometimes I don't even realize that you are getting so big. Stop! It's going much too fast!!

We went camping (sort of) :) this last weekend with your Nana and Poppa!! We met in east Tennessee at a halfway point for us all to drive, and we had the tents, blow up mattresses, hot dogs and smores ready for some good ole camping! Well...little did we know that there was no place for us to set up camp. All the camping grounds were RV only so we ended up in a hotel the first night and a little cabin the second night. We had to laugh as we were sitting around our little "campfire by the river"....As we looked up into the night sky, we realized we were sitting right under a big, bright RV Campground Sign, and we were right by the highway. So much for some secluded camping!! :) You were so great though....i made a little bed for you on one of the folding chairs, and scooped you out of your bed and took you to your "campfire bed." We sat around eating hotdogs, singing songs, and eating smores...all while you were snoozing away. Again...you are perfect. The next day we found a place to put the jetski on the lake, pulled the car down by the water and set up camp for the day. It was a beautiful day and we all took turns riding the jetski...(not you...but someday soon!) and enjoying the sunshine. We built another fire and repeated our hotdog/smores tradition. So, besides your first mosquito bite on your cheek, (sniff, sniff) we had a great little weekend with your nana and poppa. They are just so amazed by you....and you just love them so much already!!

You just woke up from your nap right now....your smile could melts me to the very core. It is the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. I'm gonna go for now so that I can just love you up....!!! I love you my precious!!

Love, Mommy

I Am Seriously Not Well

Little man,
It is 10:29 pm and I am about to be sick. I was having a late night bowl of cereal, and decided to Google “television watching and brain development”. My poor, poor critter. I am so sorry that I am guilty of letting you watch a few Gilmore Girls episodes or random shows at times with me from that idiot box. In a nutshell, television watching in the infant and toddler set contributes to the development of ADHD. Nausea.

I’m sorry, little butterbean. You have watched some t.v. in your day. And the worst part is that I had my suspicions about the effects it might be having on your brain, and continued to do it thinking that was just one of my paranoias and now I may have done irreparable harm to you.

So I called a friend to tell her that I've likely damaged you and that the television is a goner. She was very sweet to me. She kept repeating that I have not messed you up, which I needed to hear. She said that given my family’s history, there is a good chance you will have ADHD anyway. Ha Ha! :)This was not quite as helpful..... :) but probably true. To me that is all the more reason to cease and desist any and all t.v. watching right now. I wound up talking about how this is likely the first of many feelings of terror that I've screwed you up.
I cried. It scared the bejesus out of me, love. I’m trying to be graceful in my recovery, but I’m still not sure I haven’t messed up your hardwiring.

Goodnight my love, and please no ADHD......

Love, Mommy

Our Oregon Adventure

Hello my sweetest little love,

You finally got to meet your Uncle Joey and Aunt Desiree! What a fun trip we had.... As far as the flights went, we had too many stops coming and going,(which I'll never do again), and you had your moments of exhaustion. On the way there you were as thrilled as you could be. People couldn't help but comment on what a happy baby you were. I just brought lots of small toys and brought them out one at a time, renewing your interest in a lengthy way. That worked very well. On our first flight you wound up sitting in the lap of the woman across the aisle. She had four grand-babies, so she was great with you. On the second flight you taught yourself how to blow raspberries, which was a great deal of fun for you. I can’t imagine all the surrounding passengers didn’t just love watching you puff up your face and with great glee make loud, slobbery noises. You tried so hard to get the guy across the aisle to pay attention to you, and when he didn’t (after a lot of your most charming self) you puffed up a furious raspberry right at him. Very funny stuff. The lady sitting next to me laughed and commented on how great you are.

Your Aunt Desiree was there to pick us up. I was soooo happy to see her! She had cut her hair and just looked SO cute. She couldn't believe how cute you were pumpkin! She was just so happy you were there to visit. We loaded up ALL the stuff...:) and headed to their home in Astoria, Oregon. (Your uncle Joey was still at work so he couldn't come.) We had a beautiful two hour drive up to the coast and when we got there your Uncle Joey was there to greet us!! I must say, your Uncle Joey is quite taken with you...Very mesmerized. He kept saying, "I want one now!" :) You're so great you could make anyone want one of you!

Your Uncle Joey and Aunt Desiree have a cute little house across the street from the water in such a cute little town! We had fun driving around to see the gorgeous sites, and driving on the BEACH! (Yes, you can drive on the beaches in Oregon) FUN FUN! Your Aunt Desiree went shopping with us and she bought you a cute outfit for the cooler weather, a little stuffed frog, and your little puppy dog that we named "Orrie." (Short for Oregon) We went to a little town called Seaside and explored for a day and had a nice lunch. It was fun!!

We only got to see your Uncle Joey for about 3 hours every evening. He is a Captain of a busy fishing boat! He has to get up at 3:30 to get to the boat and takes the fisherman out on the ocean to catch Tuna and Sturgeon and lots of other huge fish. We got to see their catch one day as they were coming in. Those fish were twice as big as you are munchkin!

It was SO nice to see Joey and Desiree... I miss them so much. The last night we were there your Uncle Joey took us all out of his boat for a little harbour tour. It was so beautiful!!! We got to watch the sun go down, and feel the cool night breezes! Too bad you missed the WHOLE thing! You were in slumber land just snoozing the whole night away. Oh well, whether you remember it or not, it was your very first boat ride! And I'm so glad it was with your Uncle Joey. He's definately our "sailor man!"

Our trip was WAY too short and we had to leave... :( On our way out of town we took a bunch of picures....even of the sea lions laying all over the docks! You thought they were funny... :) I was so sad to leave. I hope that we get to see everyone again soon.

On our first flight home, it was the first time you cried on the plane. I knew it was time for you to sleep, and your crazy mother forgot your pacifier in the stroller at the gate. I had taken the other one out of your bad earlier, and that too was in the stroller. You HAVE to have that to sleep, so what did you do? You cried so hard for the whole hour flight. You didn’t want a bottle, you didn’t want a toy, you wouldn't be comforted in any way. I had to sit there in my seat with you screaming, until we took off and they turned the seatbelt sign on. It was a nightmare. I was freaking out enough that I couldn't stop you from crying, (the first time EVER I must say) and knowing it was my fault that you were, and feeling bad about the passengers all around me. They all just kind of cringed at the crying baby, although they did it in a nice, “We are sympathizing with you” kind of way. Thank GOD I had to change planes after that flight so I got the stroller back and could rescue your pacifier. As soon as I plugged that in your mouth you were out like a light through half of the other flight. When you woke up you were so happy! You smiled and flirted with anyone who would make eye contact with you. In a grand testimony to your goodness, as people filed off the plane, almost everyone said goodbye to you, many by first name!

So ...all in all, our plane experience was a great one. So there you go. You are a trooper, a boy with wings. Not every baby could have done so well, so I thank you. You were so good everywhere we went and I'm so glad that you seemed to like adventure just as much as your mommy. You have no idea how many more places I want to take you, and how many things I want to teach you and show you! I get so giddy thinking about sharing my life with you!!! Let's have a fun one my little guy...you and me...I love you so much!!!

Love, Mommy

California Here We Come!

Hello my little love!!

It's been WAY too long since I've written, but we've been pretty darn busy haven't we? So!!! We just got back from our first really big adventure! We went to California AND Oregon! What a week of firsts.... Where do I even begin? Well, after I loaded up all of the stuff that we needed for our trip, (my gosh little one...! You require SO much stuff! I needed the stroller, the carseat, the pack-n-play, our suitcase AND the diaper bag! Whew! I was already exhausted!) we headed to the airport and checked the three items and made our way to security. What a pain in the behind THAT is! I had to take my laptop out of my diaper bag, put the diaper bag on the belt, and fold the stroller up to put on the belt, all the while holding you. NOT easy, but we managed with a little help from the man behind us. It IS nice that I can take the stroller all the way to the gate. While we were in line to board the plane I started to get the littlest bit nervous of what it was going to be like with you. I mean, you are always so perfect, never really cry, and in the car you are an angel, but you are able to lay in your crib when you're tired, or sit in your carseat. This was different. You had to sit in my lap. Anyway, you became very vocal just before boarding, screaming in delight and making everyone laugh around you. It was if you knew that this was your first plane ride and you were greatly excited. You were too cute.

So normally I don't feel like I am "the plague" or something when I get on a plane and people have the option to sit next to me. In fact, people usually seem quite willing....NOT NOW! It was like I had a sign on me that said "This baby is going to scream the whole flight." It's so amazing to see that change. I just wanted to explain to everyone how good you are, but I wasn't as confident as always, so I just let it go. It made me a little mad that people didn't realize what an angel you were. It's as if they were missing out on you or something. Oh well, their loss.

So your first flight from Nashville to San Diego was a total success. I couldn't have been more proud, and relieved! You were making every one smile and laugh around you with your sweet noises and perfectly contagious smile. You even slept a little with no problem at all. I was worried about your little ears and the pressure, but I just made sure you were sucking on your bottle during take off and landing and you seemed just fine. Even the flight attendant came up to you as the plane was getting ready to land and said "You win the award for the best baby of the day!"

I didn't tell your Uncle Matty that I had dyed my hair brown and he almost drove right by us...he was so shocked! It was so nice to introduce my brother to you. He was just so amazed.... We were ready for some fun with your Uncle Matty!

So not only did you have your first plane ride and your first trip to California, just about an hour after we got to Matty's condo, you completed another milestone. You grabbed your feet for the first time!! It was SO cute! Now it's pretty much your favorite thing to do....

Your Uncle Matty has an AWESOME condo that he has be remodeling, and it was really nice to see all the things that he has done! When we got there we went to the beach and you got to touch the sand and the waves for the first time EVER!! What a special moment....Yay! We went back to Matty's and grilled out and just enjoyed the nice cool California breezes. You were out like a light just on schedule....it was nice to share a bed with you again punkin....I miss hearing you breathe. You are so cute I could just watch you all night.

The next day we spent at the beach just hanging out and taking lots of pictures. I got lots of great ones of you! You are the cutest beach bum! I'm sure you will love the ocean as much as your mommy. I got lots of video of you in the sand and in the water. I'm so glad you got to experience that this early.

We had alot of fun at your Uncle's house just hanging out, and grilling out, and he just thought you were the cutest thing EVER. Our time went by way too quickly but I was so glad that we got to make this trip. Thanks Uncle Matty!!!! We love you!!

Next stop....Oregon!! I'll write more about that trip tomorrow.....I am soooo tired now. You are sleeping peacefully and I am heading there myself. I love you so much my perfect little man. Thanks for making this trip to California my favorite cause you were with me. Goodnight little one,

Love, Mommy